Plenty of Turtle

[Blue Eyed Laydee]

Nope. None the wiser.

[Lily]

ScaramangA!

[Blue Eyed Laydee]

Oh. Is it a James Bond thing? There is a photo of me on my profile where I'm in front of some rock from a James Bond movie, although I never saw the movie and it meant nothing to me.

[Livilla]

That's a reference to The Man with the Golden Gun, BEL, he is assuming that if you have the photo up it's because of the James Bond connection, not just because it's pretty

[Blue Eyed Laydee]

Well I'm glad I understand the context now. I was completely baffled.

[Skips]

So I think it's over between me and C as he has an issue with my ex being my cat sitter, which I suppose is fair enough. He wants time to think about it, but to be honest I'm not sure I want the drama this early on or that if he decides he wants to make a go of it that it won't be lingering in the background. I always thought that having my ex still in my life may be a problem, but last night made me feel really shitty about the whole situation.

[Blue Eyed Laydee]

So I think it's over between me and C as he has an issue with my ex being my cat sitter, which I suppose is fair enough.

No. It's not fair enough. It's either an excuse, or the sign of a very insecure person. Either way it's not your fault.

[Skips]

He said he's had problems in the past with exes being around and causing problems with new relationships. I said it's not like that and this weekend I didn't see my ex at all, he wasn't there when I was. Yesterday I was a bit of a mess when this all came out, today I feel better but it's still upset me.

BEL, funnily enough my best friend said the same about it being an excuse. I told him I'd give him time to think about it, but now I've slept on it I'm not sure I want to continue with someone that isn't comfortable with my life as it is; my split was amicable and we're still friends, I don't think I want a relationship that can't accept that.

[Lily]

I think it's a good sign if someone is friends with their ex. I wouldn't want them uber close, coming round for dinner or anything, but it shows they're a decent person.

[Mountain Goat]

I agree with Lily. Someone being friends with their exes is a sign of grounded grown up to me. Assuming they're not banging on dreamily about them and keeping their hair in a box on their altar of course.

I also don't think it bodes well if someone is suspicious/uncomfortable with you being normal-friendly with your ex. I'd be concerned that it's the beginning of being a controlling, untrusting arse.

[Turtle Bean]

Yes because it's not like you have been together for a bit, and he has seen that your relationship with your ex is a problem or anything. Making statements about your prior relationships at this early stage would be a red flag I think.

[Skips]

Oh, I should get rid of the shrine I have in the spare room? ;)

I deserve better than this, I don't want to be made to feel I can't ever talk to my ex again or that he can't be a part of my or the cats lives.

[Leap]

That's so disappointing, Skips. With one ex I remember in the early stages of us seeing each other, there was a girl posting a lot of flirty things on his facebook and wondering if she was an ex or a potential love interest etc but just saw it as not my business until we'd properly decided what we were doing, and then were more settled as a couple. In the end, I found out later she was an ex (I think still an off/on one at the time) but I never felt cheated or jealous as it stopped long before we decided anything for us.

I do understand him being burned from past experience but but it's such a broad brush to tar everyone with. As everyone else says, we all have a past and a new relationship requires some kind of leap of faith to get it off the ground or we'd all be applying old wounds to new prospects and not getting anywhere.

You have good instincts on this Stick to your guns, you're not the unreasonable one here.

[Skips]

Well, whilst I was drinking a glass of wine for Dutch courage he called to say it wasn't something he could live with, I did tell him that even if he'd said he could I wouldn't have agreed to continue the relationship and I told him it was insulting that he thought I couldn't be friends with an ex and not want to throw myself at them.

He agreed and said it was his problem, so I wished him luck and ended the call.

I'm feeling a bit meh about dating etc, it's been nearly a year since ex Mr S moved out, over two years since I moved into the spare room and I'm not sure I've got the energy required to date any more. I'm sure after a few days it'll be fine, it's just all a bit relentless.

[Princess Morripov]

I'm so sorry Skips. I think though at least you discovered this unreasonableness early on rather than months down the line, as I imagine that kind of weirdness probably extends to not wanting you to have male friends, male colleagues, etc, with the old "it's not you I don't trust, it's them" bollocks that's usually thrown in.

[Edith Bacon]

I'm sorry, Skips. I'm glad he saw it for what it was i.e. his problem and not something you ought to accommodate, but that doesn't make it any easier.

You've had so much on your plate lately with work and the house - there's no wonder you are feeling sapped. Can you plan in something nice just for yourself? I know that sounds trite but it isn't meant to be; some TLC wouldn't go amiss at all.

[Ophelia]

I'm sorry Skips. I think you did the right thing calling it but it still sucks.

[Lily]

Bum, I was thinking about you this morning and hoped he'd try to get over it. If an ex was part of a social circle it would be different - I do think I'd struggle if I had to socialise constantly with someone who'd had carnal knowledge of the man I was in love with (I was faced by dinner with someone my then boyfriend had had a threesome with) but relationships change, and people change. Especially as we get older. He's cat sitting, not acting as your masseuse. I'm glad C has recognised this is his issue as it says that this won't be a hurdle all your dates refuse to get over but I'm sorry you feel meh. Look after yourself and perhaps you'll feel more resilient in a few days.

[Skips]

I think planning something nice for myself sounds like a good idea, Edith. I've had so many thinks happening over weekends, and you're right with work and the house it's been constant. I've not got any plans for the bank holiday so maybe I will try to do something then.

[Lola]

I agree with doing something nice for yourself. Also if the dating is becoming a chore then just give it a miss for a bit, or go on fewer dates with the aim of just having fun?