Leaving children alone.

[Hamm]

We live in a small village, our house is at the very end but technically on the High Street. T walks to and from his bus stop (5mins) alone and will go to the shop to spend his pennies or buy bread (8mins) with no roads to cross. The park when it's summer, weekends, snow days is between the two. So he's out, a lot. All of the parents are good about keeping each other informed (X is here, can he have lunch? Or X came but T is out) as to where our kids are.

But, if I need to pop to the pharmacy (again, same road) or shop or give the dog 20 mins walk and if T doesn't want to stop his activity/get out of his onesie he asks to stay home. And I'm uncomfortable with it. If anything home alone is safer than out alone so I don't know why, can't put my finger on it. And in summer etc I'd be more than happy for him to come home from a friend's house for 6pm but the thought of him going alone to Cubs at 6.30 is not right.

Thoughts? It's something me and a couple of other mums talk about a lot and we are all a bit dunno.

[Marth]

It's definitely a "bit dunno" thing, I've found.
I think it's different kids playing out, being out than being "left alone" at home. I think for me it was ingrained that it isn't done. Even though it is done, and it's quite alright when kids get a bit older. I always worry that SB2 will fuck around with the cooker, cooking weird stuff.

[Smunder Woman]

I've been wondering about this too. We also live in a village so Joe's had plenty of freedom when it comes to going out playing. It sounds like where you are, Han, in that people will keep each other updated.

Jack's almost 13 and is determined to be allowed stay home sometimes when I'm driving Joe to BBs or similar. It's hard because 13ish seems old enough to be alone for short times but should him being autistic make a difference? I don't feel he's that different to other boys his age in that respect. The last time it was my turn to do the BBs run (every second week) I let him stay but texted him when I got to the hall (15 mins) and let him know I was on my way, and the same when I did pick up. I know he's hugely unlikely to move from his Xbox.

I know they'll need to be left at some point, but it's hard deciding when.

[Hamm]

I don't think T would do anything. If I didn't say and went I doubt he'd notice. I'm don't know if autism would affect it but the kids I know well with it wouldn't look up. Is SB2 a bit of a Chef?

It's an odd one. We'd get in the shower which is the same, technically. I'd happily be in the garden etc.

[Luce]

F is only 9 so isn't old enough for any of this stuff yet (he's not allowed out alone either) but I instinctively feel that being left alone at home for 10 minutes feels safer than letting them loose. I'm entirely speculating here though, I might feel differently when our time comes. I know I'll feel more comfortable letting him home alone if he knows basic safety such as never opening the door to anyone or never not touching shit that doesn't belong to him or how to call 999 etc.

[olive]

We’re still a way off this but I remember as a child being let out to play/ walk to the shops long before I was left alone at home. There is obviously some logic to this thinking as it was similar to a lot of my friends too.

[Smunder Woman]

I don't know if autism does make a difference, Hannie, I'm just imagining the "mother leaves autistic 12 year old alone!!" headlines

He wants to come home after school on his own too. That's not happening yet, but I've told him he can stop going to the childminder when he's 14, if he shows me I can trust him. This is far enough away for me to be ok with

[Hamm]

Terrible parenting, Smunder.

That's the thing. I know there is a logic but for the life of me (or my friends) we don't what it is. I go for a shower and T knows not to let anyone in. The door is locked. He might run up and ask if one of his friends can but he asks first without unlocking and we've not had a stranger. He knows 999 etc.

I'm okay with not doing it yet, I think L was 13 before I did 20 mins out or felt it was okay for him to come home alone and me arrive 10 mins later but I just don't know why I'm uncomfortable and that bugs me.

[Little My]

Kids generally seem to start walking to/from school and friends houses around age 8-9 over here if there is a parent at home. There is a city run course for kids aged 8-12 to learn a bit about safety coming home from school and being home alone (for a short period at that age). R has not done it yet, but I will probably send her later in the year. She is very cautious by nature, and I think she would mostly see it as an opportunity to put on a fashion show with the cats and sneak some tv time.

[Marth]

I don't know if autism does make a difference, Hannie, I'm just imagining the "mother leaves autistic 12 year old alone!!" headlines

I definitely always used to think of the headlines everytime I popped out to the shop. I think it's that which makes it different (for me)

[SunnyMum]

I'm still not happy about leaving #3 at home alone. She's 16. I think with us it's the isolation that worries me the most.
When we have to leave her for a whole day (a couple of times a year when we have markets) I text/phone to check all is ok.
Sunny Dad reckons she's safe with the two dogs and the gate shut. But that doesn't prevent a fire / flood etc.

[Ruby]

I leave the SAM for an hour or so, every now and then. He walks home from school and then is on his own until we come home from work on a Monday and Friday. On the other days of the week, there are grandparents around as they pick up N. The SAM is quite reliable and also he's 12 - I feel like there's a big difference between 10 and 12.

N always wants to stay at home too, but I am also not comfortable. I think he would get scared on his own and doesn't have the 'street smarts' to do something appropriate in an emergency.

[olive]

I imagine it depends on the child a lot as well. I can imagine leaving M alone for half an hour or so (well into the future obviously) more than I can T.

[Edith Bacon]

A (just 12) is sometimes alone for a couple of hours once a week whilst I take E to hockey and if J isn’t home. E (11 this week) is occasionally home alone for half an hour or so whilst I drop A off at his friend’s so his mum can take them both to hockey. They both love being home alone - E so she can play loud music and dance and A so he can Xbox and raid the biscuit stash

Once or twice I’ve left them both together but am more nervous about that because I’m bothered they will fall out but that happens rarely and they have each other’s back in a crisis so it’s not a huge concern.

Individually they are sensible and know not to touch hot stuff or piss about with matches etc. They both prefer to be locked in but have access to keys so could get out in an emergency. They also have phones and can contact me and their dad at all times.

[Edith Bacon]

Sorry. That was very long. I’ve got Fear of Being Judged so am over-explaining.

[SunnyMum]

I never left the eldest two on their own together.
Once when I got home from work and Sunny Dad was in the shower I found #2 flat on her back with #1 sobbing next to her. We ended up in A&E because we thought #2 was paralysed. The girls initially said they'd been playing at "strictly" and that #1 had dropped #2 by mistake. They were aged 11 and 13.
#1 finally admitted a couple of years ago that, in fact, they'd been fighting and doing "judo" moved on each other.

[Loralei]

This is relevant to my interests. I have noticed a sudden leap in J's desire to be independent lately, alongside a parallel development in maturity that makes it seem feasible. He's nine. We live in a city, which makes things a bit different to some of you, but I think the danger of busy roads etc is probably offset by the lack of isolation. I've been walking the children home from school 3-4 times per week since Christmas (new behaviour) and J chooses to walk quite a way ahead of us, albeit still in sight and waiting to cross roads. The last couple of days I've signalled him to go ahead and cross side streets without us (after quite a while of getting him to judge when to cross while we're all together) and I think he's sensible enough to do it. He wants to walk to Cubs, which means crossing three very quiet side streets and one main road with a pedestrian crossing, and I'm inclined to let him once he can do so in daylight. (Obviously I'll trail him in disguise the first few times .)

I agree that leaving them at home does feel more risky, even though it isn't. I had to nip to the corner shop a couple of nights ago. It's a few doors away, they were all in bed, and K (19) was in, but I still pictured the Daily Heil headlines for the 6.5 minutes I was gone.

It's so hard to judge. My friend (after much discussion) decided to let her eight year old son walk to school as they live on the same road, so she will see him across and let him run the rest of the way. She was told by the school that it's not appropriate for him to be unsupervised in the playground from 8.50 - 8.55. He hadn't been involved in any trouble; the school don't want any unsupervised children out of school hours so I'm not sure how we're supposed to prepare them for secondary school .

[Hamm]

I'm so glad it's not just me. I'm never sure I'm not overreacting, L was far more immature at this age so it didn't come up. He would have set fire to the house.

Our school actively promotes children getting themselves to the bus alone at 9 or so but the stops are planned to be 5 mins maximum and no roads (I think one bus has roads but they have a crossing lady) and they are quite sensible. An under 9 would not be let off the bus without a waiver unless an adult was there.

Cubs handed out flyers for their fundraiser for the kids to drop in specified areas. I thought I really didn't like the idea of T going to strangers front doors but hadn't said but R insisted that it would be done today whilst he walked the dog so I'm guessing he felt the same which helps because he's far more gung-ho than me.

Judo! Ridiculous.

[wendy james]

The girls are often awake and up without adult accompaniment, which is different to being totally alone if there was an emergency. I would totally trust Sproglette to stay home alone for a short time, though not to be responsible for her sister too.

Quite a few of Sproglette’s peer group have older siblings in Y6. The junior school actively encourages them to walk to and from school without their parents, presumably in preparation for secondary school.

[Squirrel]

None of the children round here seem to walk to school until secondary. Our route to school isn’t safe at drop off time so my children will only be able to do it if they have early morning clubs when there’s no traffic.

I’ve often wondered when they would be able to do things by themselves and stay at home alone. I can’t imagine it at all! They are quite good at crossing roads and things as we walk a lot. Most of our local amenities are walking distance.

I did have to leave them home alone once when my elderly neighbour had an emergency. I’m the person the panic-button people call first. The children were watching TV and they knew where I was, I left the back gate open and they could have come over to N’s house through the garden if necessary.