Friend in difficulties

[Lily]

Thank you, that's a good way of putting it and it's good that I have a right to say "no" at my own events. It's more that she's acting so normally about it; I feel almost gaslit. I've said to her I'm not going to tell her what to do - she is seeing a therapist so at least I know that she's not totally on her own. He is very creepy, controlling and abusive, but she also admits all this, so.

[Luce]

It's not that I can't be friends with her. It's also not about being friends with people whose decisions I disagree with as previously stated. It's about whether I have the right to feel as I do which is aghast that I appear expected to entertain this man as if nothing has happened and if I have the right to refuse to do so. Having slept on it I've decided I do but Del's sage advice is spot on in this scenario as well.

Ah, ok, gotcha - no, I don’t think you necessarily have the right to feel like that, in that case. Life is complicated, people do shitty things etc etc. Expecting you to entertain this man as though nothing happened isn’t that crazy to me as he hasn’t done anything to you.

Not wanting to do something/be around someone is absolutely your right. But other people feeling differently isn’t much to be aghast at, I don’t think you’re being gaslit.

[FiveO'Clock]

Life is short. I, for example, don't spend my precious free time with people who drink and drive. I have other criteria but this one is particularly important to me. I don't think you need to spend your time with a friend who enables adultery. I also think it's OK if you remain friends with someone who is an adulteress. It's how you feel about it that matters. My husband has a friend who has cheated on his wife disgustingly in the past. He hates that part of him but loves the rest. I tell them both how I feel and leave it alone as it's not my fight. But I cannot imagine being genuinely close friends with someone whose core values differ so greatly from mine. He's also overseas which helps because I don't have to worry about drinking wine and having a Come to Jesus talk with him.

[Lily]

Five, you summarise it perfectly: your husband has a different view to you, which is why you asking us if your feelings were valid would be a bit pointless because they're yours. I feel that I have to check in on myself a lot, rather than just think "Well this is how I feel so what am I going to do about it?". The fact he hasn't done anything to me personally doesn't change that he behaves abominably: she's gone from wanting to hang herself over him to trying to include him in group activities and that is a bit of a shock. (He also drives under the influence of drink and/or drugs depending on his predilection that night, and I'm the same with you on that one Five!)

But it's all individual and perhaps I don't need to keep holding myself up to scrutiny the way I do with dresses. What matters is not so much my reaction but what I decide to do about it. I'm certainly not going to stop being friends with her, but I don't need to be involved with him - that is my right.

[Morganna]

I think you need to bear in mind that it is also her right to decide not to be your friend if you don't accept him, though. M and I are not joined at the hip, and I don't expect him to like all my friends and vice versa. But if someone made it clear that they would only see me without him, and that he would never be invited to anything she was arranging, it would be very difficult for me to be dispassionate about that.

[Lily]

Yes, absolutely. But if she continues to want to be with someone who behaves like that then she's probably not someone I want to be friends with after all, as Five says. If someone had a valid reason for not involving Mr M, you may want to scrutinise him a bit more closely!

[Lily]

Tomorrow is the party and not only is Arsehole going to be there but the married bloke has the chutzpah to be going as well (last time I heard the affair was over but I haven't asked and DF is careful not to tell me very much). DF warned me he'd be there which I thought was kind of her so I won't get a shock, but blimey - he has no shame at all. I know him as we used to work together but I wouldn't have thought he remembers me; I hope that if he does he will have enough sense to steer clear as I really don't want to talk to him at all. Honestly, the pair of them (men not women) make me so glad I'm single!

[Lily]

Quick update on this: after all the fuss Arsehole was not there, thank heavens. Married **** was there, I could feel him looking at me expectantly but I didn't even glance at him. Revolting specimen. He tried to say hello to MF and she said "Are we really going to do this?" and walked away which I thought was very dignified of her. We all had a fab night.

[Lily]

To end this: MF has ended things with the Arsehole, and is doing splendidly. DF has got a new job abroad and we miss her hugely but it's doing her tonnes of good. And Married **** was made redundant and got a tiny payout despite them doing it illegally (MF and I think that they sussed he was seeing DF and told him if he made a fuss they'd 'out' him). It couldn't have happened to a nicer bloke. We got our revenge on Arsehole too, who had the temerity to put unauthorised signs advertising his shitty little company on MY road. The council told him to take them down. Ha!