The Mock Turtle

A really close friend of mine is going through a horrible break-up. Infidelity, gaslighting and an incredible amount of barefaced lying. I am really worried for her as although she's snapped out of the relationship - I don't *think* she'll go back - I don't think she fully understands the degree to which she's been (frankly) abused. I don't think it's possible to be lied to as much as she has been lied to without it breaking you a bit.

As a result of a range of circumstances - including this shitty relationship - she has literally zero money even though her salary is ok. I'm telling you this because I think she really really needs some professional counselling but she can't afford it. Relate are charging £65 per week that she can't afford, and the NHS waiting list is preposterous.

Does anyone know any resources or charities that might be able to help?

Btw this is genuinely a friend. I just read it back and it sounded so suss.

Does she have any form of employee assistance programe? I got six weeks relationship counselling when going through my separation and subsequent divorce.

Skips wrote: ↑Tue Sep 26, 2023 7:45 pm Does she have any form of employee assistance programe? I got six weeks relationship counselling when going through my separation and subsequent divorce.

She does! She doesn't think she qualifies although I will poke her and make her ask.

It's definitely worth asking, she may be surprised.

Some local domestic abuse charities might offer counselling too.

As Baa said local charities might be able to help also something like citizens advice or local legal charity advice - whilst not helping with the relationship emotional break up should be able to advise and help with practicalities of finances and "divorce" (not sure if your friend is married or co-habiting) which will also giver her some head space.

baargain wrote: ↑Tue Sep 26, 2023 8:16 pm Some local domestic abuse charities might offer counselling too.

I thought about that. She's struggling to see herself as a victim of abuse so I'm treading lightly. She fully accepts he both gaslighted* and isolated her, but she doesn't think it was an abusive relationship.

*"I'm really worried about how paranoid you are. You really should go to the doctor's. Perhaps it's your hormones?"

Give me his address, Ruby. After Bambs' dad, I have zero tolerance for that shit and I'm particularly pissed at the minute.

Not abusive, my arse. It's textbook manipulation and abuse. Bambs' dad once covered a particularly vicious tirade with 'if I think this and I love you, imagine what everyone else must think'.

Ruby wrote: ↑Tue Sep 26, 2023 11:09 pm
I thought about that. She's struggling to see herself as a victim of abuse so I'm treading lightly. She fully accepts he both gaslighted* and isolated her, but she doesn't think it was an abusive relationship.

It took me years before I could admit I was abused and it was only then I could get help via a domestic abuse charity and do the Freedom programme.

I don’t think counselling would have done me any good that early on. We tried Relate and he just abused me more through it and wore me down.

Concentrate on helping her with her finances, letting her whinge to you (and others) and then she might be more open to counselling in a while.

I know my local Mind offer relationship counselling, but assuming she's up Manc way, their local branch doesn't seem to. It might be worth checking out their website for her local area and seeing what's available.

https://blgmind.org.uk/greenwich-mental ... ationship/

Beena wrote: ↑Tue Sep 26, 2023 11:35 pm 'if I think this and I love you, imagine what everyone else must think'.

Fucking hell! I'd like his address!

Kleio wrote: ↑Wed Sep 27, 2023 7:41 am It took me years before I could admit I was abused and it was only then I could get help via a domestic abuse charity and do the Freedom programme.

I don’t think counselling would have done me any good that early on. We tried Relate and he just abused me more through it and wore me down.

Concentrate on helping her with her finances, letting her whinge to you (and others) and then she might be more open to counselling in a while.

I think you're maybe right that this won't help her yet. Her rational brain knows what he's done and knows it's unforgivable, but at the moment she's really worried about him :woteva: because he's in a bad place. I am shocked by the degree to which he's fucked her thought patterns. She's not even angry, just sad and defeated.

The freedom programme is a good shout at some point too.

My friend who I did a thread about a while back went through something similar even when she started therapy. It has taken a year, I'd say, for her to get into a position where she doesn't want to go to back. She's wielding her own power now and it's wonderful to see but it has taken a LONG time.

I wonder if saying something like "I understand you are worried about him. When you're stronger, you can help him too" and quoting the thing about putting your own oxygen mask on first might be of use while she works her way through it? Because I learned that pointing out all the shit stuff he'd done didn't work and she didn't understand why she didn't care more about what he'd done.