Buns in the oven

[Kenickie]

P is great, he's been amazing but that's making me feel worse. I feel like he'd be much better off without me so he could find a normal woman and have a nice happy family together rather than just me being a constant burden and failure. I'm just a big black cloud in his life at the moment as every time he asks how I am or how my day is unless I lie there's nothing positive to say because I still feel sick and exhausted so I'm just being a misery and he probably hates coming home to me. I just feel guilty that this should be a happy exciting time for him and I'm just ruining it.

[Lily]

Ken you poor sausage. I wish I could say something of use. You are none of these things and I have never heard you talk about yourself like this in all the years I've "known" you. Is there such a thing as pre-natal depression? I've no experience of pregnancy so I don't know if that's going a bit far.

It is such an extraordinary thing to happen: your body and your entire life are about to be turned upside down and it's not going to be all glowing and rubbing your stomach with a secret smile. It is no wonder you are feeling like this and I don't think you will feel like this for the whole pregnancy either, but being exhausted and ill on top of everything else is bound to take its toll hugely.

[Scooter]

Damn woman! You are not a burden. You made twins: that’s legit super power!

This is temporary. You will get through it.

[Hamm]

Ken! No!

I know that how you feel but I imagine he’s just very sad for you and is desperate to come home every night to care for and about you. You don’t take over a decade of a relationship and get pissed off when your partner is pg with your twins and not quite feeling the joy. He’s not a stupid man. Fuck, even R at 26 understood that. He is happy and excited, just not gullible or unpragmatic.

You are normal. Very. Tbh any woman being all full of joy 24/7 with pg, even a singleton, gets a lot of side eye off me. I know some bloom but I’d bet money that most lie about it as that’s what the media and health industry prefer.

Would you consider talking to a dr? Depression in pg is a thing for one in five and you do not sound like yourself.

[cluefree]

Eeeeee, Ken. You poor thing. It’s really hard and frightening, everything is so uncertain and there’s nobody in the world that can reassure you because it’s you that has to go through it.

A big part of pregnancy and child rearing is the stuff that nobody tells you, partly because it’s so subjective. The lack of mental freedom is a life changing thing and it’s fine and normal to feel completely fucked up over it. You’ve worked really hard to get to where you are professionally and you wouldn’t be yourself if you didn’t worry about it.

You’re not ruining ANYTHING for P, it’s good that he’s being amazing but he can afford to be because he’s not having to do it.

You will be ok and you will do it. In part because you have to, but mostly because you are capable. You are at a difficult stage because you haven’t met your children yet but your whole life is already revolving around them.

It seems easy for everyone to say, but you will be ok. More than ok and you will adjust to a new normal. But it is FINE to not be ok about it at any point. Pregnancy can be completely miserable and it can be quite nice. Unfortunately you don’t know how it will be until it happens. You can’t plan for it, it’s so unpredictable. But you can do it.

[Luce]

Ken, it IS hard. That sounds incredibly difficult, actually.

I've no practical advice but please be aware that it's perfectly possible to get pre natal depression, my friend had an awful time with that. And there are things you can do to help that, you don't need to suffer through it.

The practicality will work themselves out, in ways that you might not be able to know yet but they will, they always do.

Also, I'm the biggest proponent of how children ruin your life ;) And that the beginning of it all was a grieving process and there's nothing to be ashamed of there. BUT that isn't the end result, it's just a process to go through. You get through the baby bit and adjust to your new life and then, if you're lucky, it's absolutely wonderful and you'd not change it for the world.

[cluefree]

Also, just from a practical perspective, I had horrific nausea until 20 weeks. It doesn’t always automatically disappear at the end of the first trimester like everyone says.

[wendy james]

I did a similar thread back in the day and I wasn’t even having to consider the impact of twins. I think it’s a lot to get your head around. I wouldn’t be worrying about P’s experience of your pregnancy.

I don’t think “second trimester” means the stroke of midnight as you hit 13 weeks either, unfortunately. It’s when the HCG levels drop that your symptoms might improve, which could be a bit longer in practice.

viewtopic.php?f=16&t=2213 - there’s some good replies back in 2010 as well.

[cluefree]

YES! Sea Witch was the vibe I channelled throughout my pregnancy.

[purple_dress]

Ken! You're doing an amazing thing, growing two humans. You don't need to be achieving anything else right now. You're the one carrying the burden and I'm sure P just wishes he could help more.

[Luna]

Sorry you've been feeling so grim Ken. It sounds tough at the moment and I hope the crappy symptoms fuck off soon.

[Jupiter]

Ken, you poor thing but these feelings will pass. I remember sitting in a resatuarant with E shortly after I found out I was pregnant the second time and crying because I felt so awful and I remember him saying we would be sitting in that restaurant in two years time and things will be completely different and he was right. It's very hard to see the wood for the trees though when you are in the middle of it and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight but you will get there. Don't work about childcare and things until you have to. That stuff will all work itself out in time. You have enough to be thinking about at the moment. Work will be fine too. For the moment you need to concentrate on you and looking after yourself and letting P do as much as he can. If he is anything like E he will want to be doing stuff to be useful and "help" so let him.

[Smunder Woman]

Oh Ken, it is hard and I'm pretty sure everyone has felt similar, but try to be kinder to yourself

[Leap]

Cluef's comment about your life revolving around them before you've met them is really important - that is an insane proposition for anyone, and you had no way of knowing it would be the case this early. That's a huge life adjustment that's been thrust upon you, and you're not even at your normal health capacity to begin to deal with it, never mind all the hormonal changes that are happening as well.

Despite what we went through, it doesn't escape my notice that there were plus sides to us taking so long to get here, and being able to absolutely kick the arse out of being happily childfree (holidays, careers, savings for just a start) until we were beyond sick of it is probably the biggest one that most people don't get. I do think that's an important difference, and going from 0 to 100 may well be a joy for some but I bet most of us would experience what you're feeling in the same position. I know despite our journey I have still braced myself for the terrifying feelings of having ruined everything once the baby is here thanks to many years of reading Turtles recount going through the same, and even with that knowledge it didn't even occur to me to think I would need to brace beforehand (or that either will actually do any good in the moment).

Also, between you and me (and the entire internet), in the week before my egg retrieval I completely lost my shit, cried all the time, met up with an ex and decided I had completely changed my mind about going through with it. If anyone official had given me the chance to postpone that week, I would have. Two weeks later I stared at my positive test for a good 10 minutes alone taking deep breaths before I was ready to wake up Craig up to tell him. Nothing is ever like you really expect it to be.

Take care of yourself, and don't add guilt on top of the feelings you can't help. This part will take the time it takes, but it won't be forever.

[Kenickie]

Thanks, everyone. I stopped crying for a bit so am feeling a bit better.

Leap, that's exactly it, I was prepared for feeling a bit down /crazy in the first few months after having a baby because I'd read about that a lot but I hadn't realised it might happen in pregnancy, and so early on.

Wendy's old thread struck a chord too, both with the not experiencing period related hormonal stuff (I've essentially been running the pill back to back for a couple of decades with minimal breaks) so it coming as a shock, and losing all my normal coping mechanisms, especially exercise.

I just feel like I'm being a shit wife, sister, friend, colleague etc etc all the time and it's because of a decision I made. And I know that stress etc can effect babies before birth so I'm being a shit mother too before they're even born and it's all because I'm being a drama queen about everything and not just getting on with things like a normal person. I've had proper depression before, about 15 years ago, and I don't think it's that, partly because last time I stopped caring about anything whereas this time there's so many things I'm worried about, but I don't know. I'm not sure I can face doing anything about it at the moment anyway. I know that's not helping myself.

The sea witch stuff actually does help a bit as I also feel like that and it at least made me smile.

[Jupiter]

You are absolutely not being a drama queen. What you are experiencing is huge and life changing and shit and I don't know how a "normal" person would respond. Don't put a brave face on because you think it's what you should do. You are entitled to cry, be worried, stressed etc. That is normal.

[mischief]

If you had broken your leg and couldn't get to work would you call yourself a drama queen. Pregnancy related sickness is just as debilitating if not mere than normal sickness. If men got pregnant no one would expect people to just carry on like women have been expected to for centuries

[Luce]

I'm not trying to diagnose you over the internet (I totes am) but pre/postnatal mental health comes in all different shapes but it can be anxiety rather than depression which is a whole different kettle of fish. Of course, it might not be anything that huge, it is probably just a hormonal blip. But importantly, you're not alone in feeling this way, I think most people suffer it and you're lucky if you get away with it.

But you are not shit at anything. Babies are born in war-torn countries just fine, this stress won't be doing anything to your babies. Twins are a huge thing to get your head around, let alone the additional physical problems that you'll have. You are not shit.

I'd be willing to bet a lot that in a few years time you'll be giving advice to someone else going through this. I've said it a few people on here and think I've been mostly right

[Hamm]

You’re not a shit anything, you’re getting your arse kicked with a particularly bad start to a pregnancy. Anyone who matters knows that. And you are not being a drama queen, you’re actually doing the healthy thing and letting it out. Which, if anything, will reduce it.

Going by here, you are a normal person, reacting normally and I very much doubt the studies on stress on babies really means this. Not to belittle how you feel but I think it’s more the adrenaline etc for somebody in a war zone. But either way, stop googling things you can’t control.

[Hamm]

Bloody DM

https://www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-c ... ct-births/