Secondary Considerations

[Little My]

I appreciate the solidarity! :)) Mine will be 15 this year too. But it may all be askew, because they start high school later here and she's just getting to the end of her first year now.

I am literally agog at a lot of the stuff I hear about, and I don't know how the less streetwise kids cope. There is currently a bad case of mono running rampant through the school and a lot of finger pointing.

The thing I'm finding hard is the stress dumping. She tells me things to get them off her chest, and instantly feels better (which is good!) but I sometimes hold onto it. I need to take up yoga or something. :lol:

[Luce]

It is extremely hard, I find, to take on their stress. It spirals me. F goes too far the other way and won't tell us, or anyone, much at all. When a dick pic of his went round school* he knew the night before but still didn't tell us and 18 months on it still makes me feel sick that he went to bed that night not thinking he could ask for help. That did - and still does - make me feel the shittest mum in the whole world. I felt like we'd spent his entire pre-teens telling him that no matter what trouble he was in, to tell us and we'd be on his side and we'd help and none of that message seemed to go in!

*yes, I know, I know, it is as bad as it sounds. We thought we knew everything on his phone, thought us and the school had warned him about this kind of obvious thing over and over, thought we were safe, thought we were ok to start slowing down on how much we checked his phone etc etc, thought he'd always talk to us if there was a problem. Massive shame over this.

[Luce]

Sorry, that is all a massive over-sharey way of saying that as hard as it is, it is great she feels she can safely vent to you!

[Little My]

Oh Luce, just one momentary lapse in judgement and everything can blow up. Kids do stupid things, and it doesn't mean the parents are to blame. Although I would probably agonize over it myself, whether logical or not, so I get it.

We always tell the kids they can come to us if they need help, even if they might think they're in trouble it's better to have help. Honesty above all else, etc. But I have no idea if they will. R is very open, especially with me. But maybe not about everything - and sometimes it's long after the event that she'll talk about it. B has been raised the same way, but he's a different kid and very much a closed book a lot of the time.

[Luce]

I hid so much from my parents that I was so determined it wouldn't happen here (and my youngest so far seems very open) but F is just a very (usually) chilled out guy who is convinced he is older than he is and can handle everything on his own. Now when the pic did hit school he called me immediately in that 'mum, help!' way but the the idea of him going to bed that night knowing it would happen (the girl threatened to do it unless he dumped some other girl) makes me feel sick over 18 months later. Such a shit lesson to learn so early on, despite every adult around you trying to prevent it!

[Pippedydeadeye]

Oh god, I just read this and now am so sorry about the IWLTS thread.

Fucking hell.

[Luce]

I don't understand the link but want to say something reassuring so don't be sorry for whatever it is you think you've done because I certainly haven't noticed/got it

[Little My]

:lol:

[Pippedydeadeye]

I don't understand the link but want to say something reassuring so don't be sorry for whatever it is you think you've done because I certainly haven't noticed/got it

Phew! :))

You could not pay me to be a teenager now.

[Pippedydeadeye]

By the way, I edited so now you’ll never know.

[Little My]

See, this parenting lark is a minefield!

It was a lot more simple when you just had to worry about potty training.

[Luce]

By the way, I edited so now you’ll never know.

Oh god, I can probably guess! :lol:

[Ismee]

Just jumping in here to say I'm so sorry that happened Luce, to F and to all of you. It must have been a nightmare. But it definitely isn't shit parenting, so please don't blame yourself and poor F. I hope he is okay now after it all.

[Luce]

Oh Is! Firstly, hello! And that’s very kind, thank you. Yes, it feels a bit of a lifetime ago. He weirdly doesn’t seem as scarred by it as I would be - basically, it went round the school (and other local schools) like wildfire and he called me from the toilets in a panic just saying ‘come get me, come get me now’ etc. I thought he’d been stabbed or something. What an idiot. I keep saying he should be one of those warning stories for new year 7s.

He has completely different friends now and is much more interested in his mates, gym and football, for now :))

[Ismee]

I'm glad he's been able to move on from it and is happier now.

[Luce]

Thanks, Is x

[Ruby]

Oh Luce. I know this won't help but this happens at least once a term. :cry: It's often not the kids you expect so I'm pretty sure that no amount of careful parenting/education stops it.

[Luce]

No, that does help a bit :lol: Funnily enough it was my teacher friends who made me calm down about it all, in very much a ‘this is just another Tuesday” kind of way. I’m sure they were being kind but still :))

Sorry, I’m just blabbing now but the thing I hate most about it is, the girl who did it had been threatening him with it for weeks. She was his ex and he had a new girlfriend, etc etc. We talk a lot about how he’s never to suffer through anything like that alone again!

[Jet]

Phones scares me so much! S just got a phone last year and he's pretty trustworthy, a rule follower type (maybe even a little too innocent) so I haven't worried too much but even with that when reading texts I've found out about some drama that he hadn't mentioned at all (nothing like this to be fair). I try to remind him every time I see anything like that that he can ask me questions or ask for advice/help anytime. Especially given his autistic tendencies, I'm also not always sure what stuff effects him as sometimes the drama/other peoples feeling towards him are a bit off his radar, so to speak, but other times the things he gets more upset about are quite specific.

I also recall many school dramas I had that I don't really recall how many I shared with my parents. I was a very closed book as a teen and I think it was definitely to my detriment in retrospect. I also recall though things that were awful or mortifying were just impossible for me to say (to people, or to parents) - I do hope that my two never feel that way...

Sorry Luce if that doesn't help :)

[Cerise]

Please help me out!

J (15) has a friend who is a girl but who is recently showing signs of liking him more than that. He has met up with her a couple of times as they have similar interests and enjoy walking and chatting and I thought perhaps he started liking her too but she has now invited him to the cinema and the message definitely has “date” tones and he doesn’t want to date her.

Please help us craft a text message that basically says “I like you but I don’t like like you and I need to tell you that even though I may have misread your signs!”.

TIA