Secondary Considerations

[Ruby]

OK, so I know there's not that many of us with High School age children but I thought I'd start a thread anyway.

The SAM has started Year 7 this time and it hasn't been smooth sailing. He's bright enough, and his behaviour is fine, but he's really struggling with the organisation. The homework is Next Level and he has got two after-school detentions in the first full week for forgetting books. He was so upset at school that his Head of Year had to go and find him at lunchtime and console him.

His school is stupidly strict and I am torn between thinking he needs to toughen up and wanting to punch the school in the face. I am also struggling a bit with when to butt in with regards to homework and organisation as my instinct is to go into Teacher Mode when, really, he needs to learn some independence.

Thoughts? Also, please deposit your High School moans/fears/joy here.

[Mayday]

It is such a change from primary. I think I struggled with it more than eldest at first.

That said I'm surprised they are being so strict from day 1, and after school detentions seems so harsh! At eldests school they gave them a couple of weeks to get used to it. Would it help to do a daily list with him of what he needs to take?

Not sure what Next Level is?

Oh, I do have a joy about eldest though. Our school has just had a new head (after lots of trauma and scandal involving the previous one and his wife). Anyway eldest decided he'd picked the wrong Y10 option so I emailed the head about changing on Sunday afternoon thinking he'd pick it up on Monday. Anyway, I had a response Sunday evening, and by 10am Monday it was sorted. I am very impressed.

[Ruby]

Next Level is just 'a lot'. It's my own terminology and not official. He basically has some to do every night.

I think Partner and I are probably struggling just as much - if not more - than he is. I have talked to the SAM about the organisation and we now have a plan. I did try to warn him about all of this, obviously, but he wasn't really ready to hear it from me until the detentions ...

[Mayday]

Hopefully the short sharp shock of detention might be the kick up the bum he needs?

Ah, I hear you. Eldests school do ELAs so only one subject a week, thankfully, although I know now he is in Y10 there will be more.

[Disco]

This was such a major transition for Monk - and me I realised afterwards- he was very unorganised and stressed by the expectations of the school.

I'm out at the moment but will no doubt contribute later when I probably should be in beddrinking water.

[Marth]

Sb1 got detentions in his first weeks, along with many others. I think the schools go in tough then loosen up a little bit. However it's a massive change for them all, so having a plan will hopefully help the SAM feel more sorted whilst he's dealing with this change.

[Ruby]

Thanks. I think it's almost worse because I work in a school. At my school, we would probably set up some sort of counselling or SEN referral for a child that forgot their books. There has to be some middle ground.

[Disco]

In the first quarter of his secondary school life. I had so many calls from the school and had to take pubbought Valium to get a night's sleep. I didn't put my insomnia and devastating tooth grinding down to his hange of school until recently.

[Hobbes]

I think the schools go in tough then loosen up a little bit.

I think this is what has happened all three times for mine (youngest is now Year 8) - lots of homework and tough on timekeeping at first, then it all loosens up a bit. It's a massive change though, poor SAM.

Middle child got a detention on day 2 for being 5 minutes late to a lesson because she got lost; I thought that was a bit tight. If it had happened to my 'by the book' eldest or youngest children they would have had a meltdown.

All of them were also extra tired from doing loads of walking to lessons while carrying a heavy bag, which didn't help.

My gripe is that the new head has decided to be extra strict on uniform, so the shoes I thought were acceptable are now not. We were informed of this in a letter two days before the new term started.

[Ismee]

God, all of this fills me with fear.

I went with H to view a local secondary school last week. She was very overwhelmed by it all but liked it. The only problem is that it's a girl's school which she really doesn't want.

The local mixed school has a very bad reputation although I have spoken to a few people lately whose children go there and they've had nothing but praise for it.

All the ones with the best reputation have a tiny catchment area or you need to do the 11 plus which H isn't keen on and we can't afford a tutor anyway.

[Hobbes]

Sorry Ismee, I don't want it to sound all doom and gloom - mine have loved high school for the most part, as the lessons and subjects have been far more interesting and in depth to what they were doing in Primary. Plus they have had a chance to make a much wider variety of friends and get away from the small group they were in Primary with.

In some ways the homework was easier as long as you kept on top of it - it was small bits every night, but at least no bloody three times a year projects or model building!

Also as they get older there is far less expectation for you to get involved in the homework, apart from helping them manage their time.

[Dáire]

Middle child got a detention on day 2 for being 5 minutes late to a lesson because she got lost; I thought that was a bit tight.

That's so sad. I'd worry you're setting the little kids up to feel the school is just against them, out to punish, and isn't a place of safety or support.

My high school had a building for the Year 7 students, their own playground, and though some lessons were in the main school many took place in the Year 7 block, so there was a nice transition to high school life. We were given extra time to find the science blocks or PE hall, for example, and by the time we were in the main building in Year 8 we knew our way around. I thought this was such a good idea at the time.

I mean, just a few weeks ago they probably had a discipline system that relied on A Warning and then the punishment (red card, right?), so there should be some appreciation that The Warning ("Do not forget your books again or you'll get a detention") is still what these kids are used to - it would never have occurred to me that forgetting a book was a detentionable offence (we shared with the person next to us) but we all knew after Day 1 that forgetting homework was.

[Ruby]

I wouldn't give a detention for being 5 minutes late in the first week. :eek:

It's as much about the SAM's personality as anything. He is scatty and disorganised but he hates being seen as 'naughty'.

[Ruby]

Also, I would like to hear about Dic's and Monk's transition now she is sober.

[Texaco Shirley]

This is filling me with dread. I'm in the middle of sorting out paperwork for L's secondary application and I don't know how he's going to cope with all the personal responsibility at all. It could be the making of him or he could fall apart in the first week. I doubt there will be a middle ground.

[Disco]

It's as much about the SAM's personality as anything. He is scatty and disorganised but he hates being seen as 'naughty'.

I am sober

Monk is very similar and feels a great sense of injustice.

It was such a stressful time and a complete shock to his system being held accountable for his lack of organisation and absence of effort. He was very overwhelmed by the high expectations of his teachers to perform (based on his SATS) and he is the type of person that will do as little as possible but still does well in exams. However, he's not a genius so the lack of effort was/ is frustrating to his teachers and me. He's a cack handed writer so was given a typing machine thing for lessons which did improve things a bit but then there were issues when he didn't return the machines when he should have (I had no idea at the time) and then someone apparently knocked one out of his hand and damaged the corner of it and then in the same week he accidentally knocked a computer monitor off the desk so they no longer allow him to have the laptop/ typer thing.

Calls from the school were frequent; various subject teachers saying he does no homework, or concerns about him underperforming were the main reasons. He had to attend a compulsory homework club after school twice a week (where he did the bare minimum and no one appeared to check and suggest expanding upon his points), a 3 month horse riding course which was to help him keep calm and not upset/ frustrated.

He's in Y9 now and thankfully the phone calls have stopped but he has gone down from top sets (Y7) to the third set for most things as he did next to no revision for the end of year exams and the homework was lacklustre. However, this year he has changed to a newly created form with only 15 pupils with the aim to "inspire and motivate the students to realise their own potential" so I hope that this specific attention will help him to want to put some effort into things. *sigh* I feel all stressed again and wish i still had valium It's early days but I was heartened to come home from work the other day and he had revised French, attempted Geography, and had almost finished History homework. AND he'd take his lunchbox out of his bag! He says he wants to be a "Youtuber" when he grows up. Rather than dismissing it I've suggested that his favourite YTers didn't get that big by accident and that they've put a lot of hard work and effort into it - the filming, production, presenting aspect of it - fine honing their craft and therefore those traits of drive, hard work etc are ones he could be exhibiting in all aspects of living.

[Ruby]

Oh Dics. In my experience boys do settle a bit going into Year 10. How amazing that you came home and he'd done some homework though? I dream of such an eventuality. My sister has had similar issues with her middle son - he's quite a late developer and I think a lot of it is lack of maturity.

The SAM is the same with effort - and he takes it really personally when I give him any 'advice' about it.

He's also really tired - the walk to school is very steep, his bag is massive and he's physically tiny - so his emotions are very ... close to the surface.

[Disco]

Oh poor The SAM and you. Monk was so like that with emotions close to the surface and he came home once and said he'd burst into tears when some popular bully kids teased him. He was also very small and slight compared to his peers. His rucksack was so heavy with EVERY book (because he couldn't get it into his head to only take what he needed that day) and not knowing if he'd need his studs or trainers so would take both. He is better now though and knows what to take and laughs at his stature amongst his peers (who are all basically the size of men).

Monk also takes it personally. I could see him visibly deflate when I tried to give pep talks.

Things did get better though after the first three months of starting. Basically when he went back after xmas he was much more relaxed although that relaxing clearly didn't help with the work ethic at the time but I was just happy because he was so much happier in himself. My friend's son was similar when he started; a normally upbeat child was very stressed for the first full term and then settled thereafter emotionally. So hopefully The SAM will too.

In my experience boys do settle a bit going into Year 10. How amazing that you came home and he'd done some homework though? I dream of such an eventuality. My sister has had similar issues with her middle son - he's quite a late developer and I think a lot of it is lack of maturity.

Thank you, this makes me feel better. Lack of maturity is a factor. He's such a considerate, thoughtful and intelligent person I forget that he's actually a child and will say such innocent thoughts sometimes I'm reminded that he's juvenile despite his considerate nature.

I was very vocally impressed with his initiative the other day.

[Ruby]

That's it - when they're bright and kind and funny you forget they're a child. And they have such dramatically different physical and emotional maturity. In my Year 8 form, at the moment, I have one boy who is taller than me and looks like a man and another who is only as tall as the SAM. The tall lad struggles loads at home, according to his mum and dad, although he is a lovely chap.

The SAM cried when he got a detention but he said everyone was kind to him. OBVIOUSLY that destroyed me.

[Ruby]

My gripe is that the new head has decided to be extra strict on uniform, so the shoes I thought were acceptable are now not. We were informed of this in a letter two days before the new term started.

Also, I missed this before but this is A Thing now. Schools are far stricter about uniform than they have ever been. The SAM's school basically only allow a 'gentleman's dress shoe' but they do at least send you a list of approved footwear about 6 months in advance.