School bullying- what is reasonable to expect.

[Glint]

School should be more helpful, and it's a bloody shame that they're not doing anything and it's now impacting a full class. Do you have a community police officer attached to the school?

[lazzbo]

I think it's fair to tell them that, smal. They need to be more communicative about the action they're taking and you need to be able to make your (multiple) concerns clear. That's why I'd go for a face-to-face.

[Livilla]

What an upsetting time for you all, Smal. In your shoes I wouldn’t expect to know the ins and outs of the individual children’s plans, but I do think the school should be able to reassure parents what their processes are, and how they work in a hypothetical case, including where behaviour doesn’t improve.

(In your shoes I’d also probably be emailing the head directly with every single incident reported to you by W, so they’re can’t hide behind not knowing about it )

[smalex]

What an upsetting time for you all, Smal. In your shoes I wouldn’t expect to know the ins and outs of the individual children’s plans, but I do think the school should be able to reassure parents what their processes are, and how they work in a hypothetical case, including where behaviour doesn’t improve.

(In your shoes I’d also probably be emailing the head directly with every single incident reported to you by W, so they’re can’t hide behind not knowing about it )

I've started making a record of things W says, and incidents I know are fact from other parents. I can't say there's been anything severe aimed at W since the first day, and I know the parents involved in the later incidents have gone direct, but it struck me there's probably not one collation of everything (that we know about, I'm sure its not *everything*).

We're all so upset. We've all been desperate for them all to be put back together, and putting this stuff aside the boys are all delighted tobe back together. But this is ridiculous. Its only been 2,5weeks!

[Angus]

I agree with, Liv. Some reassurance there will be a satisfactory conclusion within a reasonable timeframe is surely needed for the children and the parents.

Poor W and his friends, none of them should have to put up with that.

[smalex]

Yes, you're all right. Thank you for your thoughts. Its quite hard to have perspective sometimes, you start to wonder if you're over reacting.

[lazzbo]

You're not over-reacting in ANY way. It's a terrible situation.

[Lily]

Can one of you 'take charge' so to speak, and collate all the incidents and be the head of a task force, for want of a better word?

You're not over-reacting at all. There is no way these children should have to put up with this behaviour - and telling someone off for retaliating when they got kicked is shitty in the extreme. Everyone should feel safe and secure coming to school.

[Texaco Shirley]

IME schools will not accept any complaint unless it comes from the parent of the affected child rather than someone acting as the head of a group. I would get the parents to put a new complaint in to the school in writing (email is fine) every single time there is an incident.

[smalex]

IME schools will not accept any complaint unless it comes from the parent of the affected child rather than someone acting as the head of a group. I would get the parents to put a new complaint in to the school in writing (email is fine) every single time there is an incident.

Yes, they're very divide and conquer even about conversations (eg. my friend wanted to make the same points as me when I complained, but I arrived first and then she tried to join in and the head was very abrupt with her, she emailed it instead). I'm mainly collating a record for myself and for anyone to use as an example of the depth of the issue, not to actually front a campaign.

[Morganna]

I would definitely copy in the head of the governors to every correspondence.

[Lily]

Ah of course, that makes sense unfortunately.

[Ruby]

I would say firstly that it's not acceptable and it very much sounds like it's not being dealt with adequately.

I would advise;

Do NOT get involved in any group action. Unless it involves W, keep well out of it. You can be supportive of the other kids' and their parents but getting together to make group complaints won't work and will make everything adversarial. At its worst, these things can go nasty with groups of parents ganging up on (potentially troubled) kids.

Keep a record of anything that happens to W directly - including how he feels about it. If there's a major incident - violence etc. - then call/go into school straightaway. If it's smaller things then keep a log of it and go in with it once it's got a bit of a pattern behind it. Your complaint will carry more weight if it's independent of the other parents.

Don't worry about the behaviour plan. You (rightly) won't be told about it. Like emmap says, refer back to the policy consistently. You can absolutely talk hypothetically.

[smalex]

Thanks. Good advice.

I'm very conscious of being seen to gang up on a vulnerable child (one definitely is, one I would imagine isnt) . I'm very conscious of the boys being seen to gang up on him too (the first week they collectively decided they'd get up and leave if eg. He came and sat on their dinner table, which made me cringe my actual face off). I really didn't know what to say about that.

[Ruby]

I mean. They're making a choice based on his behaviour. It's difficult to argue with it really. It would make me uncomfortable but, ultimately, being 'kind' to the point of being a victim is not something you want to teach your child either. I would probably pretend I hadn't heard them making a plan.

[smalex]

Right? It wasn't just a plan, they actually did it.

In some ways I'm quite pleased because W has a track record of quite extreme tolerance which I don't think is helpful to him. In the end I think they sort of forgot they were bearing a silent grudge and ended up playing football together the next day so maybe I needn't have fretted about not giving finely balanced advice after all.

[Kleio]

I'm going to agree with Ruby here as I know our school has always been more receptive when issues have been reported individually rather than as a group. However, I'd say you can mention things that W has seen but only in the "I do not expect my child to hear the terms x, y and z or witness violence in school".

Definitely use their behaviour policy against them.

Would you feel more comfortable if W told him why they weren't sitting with him? Betty had issues with a couple of very bitchy girls (thankfully no violence!) and she would be quite forthright with "I'm choosing not to sit/work/play with you as I don't like how you treat me and others. Once you are better behaved I will think about it"

Good luck, I really hope it's resolved for W quickly.

[Ruby]

However, I'd say you can mention things that W has seen but only in the "I do not expect my child to hear the terms x, y and z or witness violence in school".

Yes, I agree with that.

I would have allowed them to carry out their plan, although I wouldn't explicitly encourage it. I once looked the other way when N lamped his nemesis in the jaw though. To be fair, it solved the problem.

[smalex]

Hmm. Good question. Possibly I guess. I don't think they're actually doing anything particularly wrong...in fact they're sort of doing what school have urged them to (move away from the other boys before it escalates) but the optics aren't good, and I worried it would make it look like they're all as bad as each other.

As it happens I was doing ptfa stuff out the front of school today and saw one boy and his parents coming out early from reception (looked very much like they'd had to go in for a meeting), and W said the other told them today that if the head has to speak to him again he'd be suspended (not convinced that's fully true) ...maybe school are getting their arse in gear and trying.

[smalex]

However, I'd say you can mention things that W has seen but only in the "I do not expect my child to hear the terms x, y and z or witness violence in school".

Yes, I agree with that.

I would have allowed them to carry out their plan, although I wouldn't explicitly encourage it. I once looked the other way when N lamped his nemesis in the jaw though. To be fair, it solved the problem.

Nice