What I'm not saying out loud in 2021 (IWLTS)

[Pippedydeadeye]

He openly admits he likes pushing people’s buttons for fun but this was something else. I normally deal with him by asking questions back like “what makes you say that?” And “why do you think people risk their lives by boat to get to the UK then?” Or “what do you think a nurses’ salary should be?” These are genuine things he’s held forth on.

[Leap]

He openly admits he likes pushing people’s buttons for fun but this was something else. I normally deal with him by asking questions back like “what makes you say that?” And “why do you think people risk their lives by boat to get to the UK then?” Or “what do you think a nurses’ salary should be?” These are genuine things he’s held forth on.

This is absolutely the right approach, but it’s SO exhausting isn’t it? It’s not anyone’s job to teach this sort of person how to be a human being, especially not when they think it’s “fun” to be devil’s advocate or push someone’s buttons.

My dad has had less offensive but still tasteless ventures down certain needling avenues, but he did stop the last time when I told him we would leave if he was going to continue. I absolutely hate how it makes me look like I’m the one being unreasonable/overreacting/taking it too seriously.

[smalex]

I just can't understand wanting to annoy people on purpose. I spend my life bending over backwards trying to avoid making anyone feel uncomfortable or annoyed and it just blows my mind that people find doing it entertaining?!

[rosy]

It sounds absolutely exhausting, Pip. Is Squeak ok?

[Pippedydeadeye]

She’s fine thanks. Very disappointed but fine. Thankfully robust enough to know who is in the right.

[kiwi]

Dear lord Pip, I'd be banning the fuckers from my house.

[Lily]

How horrible to "push the buttons" of your own granddaughter. What a horrible little man.

[Luna]

I just wonder if it’s a generational thing? My mum is so a daily Mail sound bite. It’s exhausting keeping a neutral stance when she’s off on one.

[Morganna]

My dad used to enjoy pushing buttons. It is a horrible thing to do and I still can’t understand his motives, other than the ‘amusement’ gained from seeing a child ‘wound up’ . He would say things (usually race-based) that he knew would upset me, and I sometimes caught him winking at another adult in the room to show that it was not serious, which is even worse. It’s very confusing for a child/teenager, and whilst I would argue against him, I was not in a position to tell him to shut up, or to leave the house. I don’t for one minute think he was teaching me to argue respectfully either. It was some sort of power thing.

My mum claimed to hate conflict (unless she was creating it ), and used to say that he didn’t mean any harm - how could I even think that, as I knew he loved me, which was even more of a headfuck.

[Luna]

That’s gas lighting at its worst Morgs.

[Pippedydeadeye]

We’re still in two minds whether to address it directly with FIL.

[Morganna]

That’s gas lighting at its worst Morgs.

I can see that as an adult, but it was just confusing as a child. My parents always took the 'support one another regardless' line, which I can see is good in some ways, but in my (rather dysfunctional) family it just masked all sorts of problems. I would have loved it if another adult had told him to STFU, or even just supported me in what I was saying, but as far as I can remember it never happened.

[Edith Bacon]

All of this sounds horribly familiar with regards to my dad’s behaviour. He does it far less often now that he doesn’t have an ally or an audience to impress (my mum). I’m positive that it’s a power thing - proof to themselves that they can still have an impact. And because they are rarely invested in the issue under discussion they see it as a bit of fun or an intellectual exercise they can walk away from and anyone getting upset by it is being over emotional and silly.

Gaaahhh - triggering all over the place.

I think it is predominately a male thing and especially, but not exclusively, in men of a certain age.

[Derek Nimmo]

You have my sympathies Ruby. Especially in the first, bound to be insane, week back.

(Near to the start of the pandemic, we had compulsory wellbeing webinar led by the well-meaning but often tone deaf HR Manager. It was focused towards PMA :woteva:, and at one point, she gave us a case study about two people being made redundant - one of whom had a positive attitude and got another job again very quickly, and another who was negative so was unemployed for a long time (it was genuinely told like a children's story, pretty much the tone of the whole thing really).

Ridiculous at any time, but when you had staff on furlough asked to join the call, you can imagine how it went down with them. There were several panicked calls made to various managers asking if this was a way of telling them they were going to get the chop. Suffice to say, she has not been allowed within spitting distance of any "wellbeing" since.)

Well, I spoke too soon. Apparently we are now going to have quarterly staff mental health questionnaires, and monthly (MONTHLY) wellness seminars and workshops. Frankly, I can't think of anything more detrimental to my mental health!

(Seriously though, give people the space to say if they're struggling, and give them individual counselling sessions - it's not bloody difficult.)

[Ella77]

Oh my god, I would hate that.

[baargain]

Having access to your staff's mental health (and therefore medical) data feels hinky to me. Who is looking at the questionnaires? Are they even qualified to know what to do next? Let alone handing over personal medical data to your employer.

Maybe just reassure them they can use work time for medical (and so mental health) appointments if they need this.

[Ella77]

Having access to your staff's mental health (and therefore medical) data feels hinky to me. Who is looking at the questionnaires? Are they even qualified to know what to do next? Let alone handing over personal medical data to your employer.

Absolutely!

[smalex]

Oh god yes. Its hard enough saying these things to your own GP or therapy provider, do they really think people will feel able to be open about it? If I'd have been feeling like I have recently while working for any of my previous employers there isn't a cat in hells chance I'd have been willing to divulge it in the format of a monthly questionnaire. Just, no.

[sally maclennane]

Anything mental health or wellbeing related HAS to be voluntary. I can't imagine anything less helpful than being forced to attend a wellbeing session

[wendy james]

Are they signed up to Mind's Mental Health at Work Commitment, linked to Thriving at Work? One of the standards is around transparency/accountability and reporting. https://www.mentalhealthatwork.org.uk/c ... tandard-6/

However, the government has a framework ( https://www.gov.uk/government/publicati ... -wellbeing ) about voluntary reporting on disability, mental health and wellbeing, that includes recommended questions. They definitely don't recommend quarterly anonymous surveys (and I'd be pushing back on how realistic anonymity is in a small company), suggesting annual reports are sufficient.

This is also an interesting read.
https://www.mind.org.uk/media-a/5762/mi ... _webv2.pdf