Consultancy/freelance work

[Lily]

Sorry, I'm spiralling. One of my talents. Perhaps I should add it to my CV!

My choir friend wants to come over. She's a child psychiatrist so perhaps she'll be able to prescribe some Calpol. Seriously, any advice for panic attacks please? I don't want to go back to my old methods and would rather work through than try to medicate them as well.

Also I bumped into a church friend yesterday and mentioned my Crisis of Faith so she's asked if we can meet up which is kind. I did regret not going, it makes me feel lighter but I was afraid I'd start crying again

I have so much. It's not the end of the world by any stretch, but it's a big shaking of my snow globe! thank you all for your kind words and patience. It really does help to read your posts, so please don't think your words are being ignored, I'm a bit butterfly minded right now.

[Luce]

Are you seeing a therapist? Let your friend come over and see you, whether they’re a psychiatrist or not.

And you’re spiralling so you cannot see how small the CV thing is. I’ve just asked T, who completely disagrees with her. He’s pretty successful too. It really is a non-issue.

You’re in a shit situation, no doubt but would you be telling someone else that it’s their fault? That they’re not good enough? That their every move has significant impact so they had better not fuck it up? Absolutely you would not. When you’re taking to yourself, at least for a while, at least pretend that you’re talking to a very loved friend.

And go back to church and definitely definitely go back to choir.

[Lily]

I really appreciate you asking T! And putting my panic into perspective. Thanks for your kindness.

I am fortunate enough to have 1-2 sessions left with my therapist so I am talking to her on Wednesday. My friend came round yesterday and asked lots of 'assessing' questions in a very kind manner which made me feel a bit 'looked after'; she has also sent me some crisis team numbers and links which hopefully I won't need, but knowing Someone is there helps. I find it a bit difficult talking about stuff IRL because I'm very conscious of not dragging people down and trying to keep positive because nobody wants to hang out with Eeyore 24/7.

Today a different friend took me into town, did some maths with me to figure out the minimum I can live on and then said we should go into some agencies personally. The first one was not open and just does stuff online with no interest in me, but the second was amazing. They were really impressed by my CV and built up my confidence saying that I was very engaging and had a lot of skills and should definitely go for a senior position because I'm worth it (previous agencies had told me I'd need to drop my salary requirements). I felt about a billion times better. There are several roles they're going to put me forward for but also they have some clients they're going to mention me to. Honestly hearing someone enthusiastic about me was a real tonic!

Also I was in a local cafe at the weekend and mentioned some ideas I'd had for marketing & spreading the word about them. The chap asked if I would do some work for him and we are having a meeting tomorrow!

[Jupiter]

That all sounds very positive. It's amazing what can come your way once you put yourself out there. The first job that comes along may not be the right one but the right one will come to you eventually so keep going.

[Lola]

That’s great, Lily, & it was such a good idea of your friend’s to go to the agencies in person. I’m glad you got a boost from it & can hopefully see now that your other friend’s opinion on the CV was just that - one opinion. I thought it sounded bollocks too

I swear I got my job in my current company after a similar meeting in an agency (who were trying to get me a different job ) The woman was so positive about me that I was full of confidence when I had the interview here.

[Lily]

That's given me hope Lola!

I had an interview yesterday for a training school and did some job-shadowing today as they want everyone to do that and get an idea of what the job entails. Very good set-up and nice people, but the job is junior and I couldn't survive on the wage (almost half what I was on). However I thought it would be good to interview and be "known", and if they do want me perhaps I could do 3 days a week for that job and then 2 days a week on another job to make up the money ... not sure how that would work and doubt they would go for it but at least I am getting out and doing things. I bumped into some old colleagues which was lovely and so I have put out more feelers in the industry plus applied for about 7 jobs in the last 2 days. One of them wanted my entire employment history from when I left school FFS - it took me long enough, I can't imagine what someone in their 60s would do faced with that question!

I have had some black (BLACK!) moments, especially when I realise a new job is likely to mean I won't be able to be a dog mum (longterm). It's made me happier than anything ever has but I wouldn't get another dog if I couldn't take it to work with me/work from home. But I will just have to deal with that when the time comes. The head of choir took me out for lunch and talked me into going to choir again this week and I am glad I did because it did really help (they have a hardship fund which he said they are happy to dip into to help me pay for my membership until I'm working again). Also going out with friends on Tuesday when I felt like curling up into a little ball. I keep hearing Luce say about faking it, because if I stop socialising and go into myself I know it will be very hard to get back out - so I keep faking and sometimes I feel like it's real! I was also able to have a therapy session which really helped.

[Disco]

It's really nice to hear you sounding more positive, Lils and you are able to remind yourself of faking it etc. It takes a lot to drag oneself out when you are feeling low so well done. Lots of luck for all the feelers you are putting out and the job applications.

Also I'm glad you are continuing with the choir.Singing is so cheering.

[Luna]

Yes, all of what Disco said. Keep going, lovely.

[Luce]

Yes, absolutely. And hopefully the faking it bit is only a temporary thing that keeps you going for now, until things get better. I genuinely believe nearly all things do get better, it’s just a case of when not if and if you can stick it out. Choir will help hugely - apparently singing in harmony releases serotonin!

[Lily]

Thank you all. Keeping a routine has definitely helped and I have sung A Lot this weekend (I've come away with a friend to my grandparents' house). It's driving E crazy but he isn't allowed to complain because of my Fragile Mental State.

[emma_p]

I saw your post earlier and didn't have time to reply but I really hope you're ok Lily.

[overthehill]

LIke Emma, I saw your earlier post, but wasn't able to reply. Although, we are in completely different lines of work, I can completely empathise with that horrible feeling of being overwhelmed and hopeless. Going self-employed is a huge leap of faith and it's always hard to get off the ground. Would you ever think of getting some help in that direction? Over here, we have a great network of Local Enterprise Offices who provide a wide range of supports to business startups. I'd honestly have sunk without trace without the mentoring and support I've received for mine. I asked ChatGPT if the UK had anything similar and it came back with the suggestion of Local Growth Hubs. It may be nothing, but then again if there's anything I've learned is that when things aren't going so well, it can really help just to change your focus a bit.

Sending you a virtual hug and really hope you're ok.

ETA. Sorry, having re-read this thread from the beginning, my advice re business startups seems irrelevant but I'm going to leave it here, just in case you can take something from it.

[Morganna]

Are you ok, Lils?

[Lily]

Sorry. Self-indulgent despair post which helped nobody hence I got rid PDQ - thank you for your kindness, all, and your thoughts. I'll take a look at that hub thing; I appreciate your looking into it OTH! I would really rather be employed and do my writing on the side as there's no way I would be able to support myself on it, but I may as well give it a kick and see what happens.

I'm looking into mortgage holidays as my friend's boyfriend, who's a mortgage advisor, said that it wouldn't affect my credit history. But it turns out it will.

Universal Credit aren't paying me anything BUT suddenly I get a council tax discount which is most unexpected, so that is nice.

[Lily]

Things awful. No, no, no. Nothing. I just had a call from an agent who didn't bother reading my CV at all. I felt like putting the phone down. Of course I was very polite. Things have improved at my old place, the thing I was thinking "hold out for" has happened and now they are going to be OK. I should have taken the PIP. I should have seen it through, I am so fucked, I can barely get up in the mornings now, I see no way out of this. i am so lost and so sad.

[Luna]

Oh Lily. I wish I could wave a wand and take all this away. ( for me too) please think about staying with your parents. Doing all this alone is too hard. And isolating.

[Derek Nimmo]

I'm going to say this to you with the best of intentions Lily, a PIP is a vehicle to manage someone out of a business and is extraordinarily rarely used to actually help someone improve. I think if you'd taken that option, you would have tied yourself in enormous knots to try to achieve the impossible and still been out of a job at the end of it, and it would have completely destroyed your confidence to boot.

I know you don't have much faith in yourself at the moment, and it's all feeling totally bleak - like Luna, I wish I could magic you up a solution but unfortunately all you can do is keep ploughing through. You are valuable, you are loved, you are skilled whether or not you're in a job.

It's probably a daft question, as I'm sure you've explored your options, but are there any part time pub or supermarket jobs going near you, at rates that wouldn't have a knock on effect on any benefits you might be getting? Something to get you up and with people whilst you're looking for something permanent.

[sally maclennane]

I agree with Derek, in the private sector, a PIP is generally a step in the process of managing someone out of the business. Understandably, you're looking back at your previous job with rose tinted glasses, and thinking that you made the wrong decision but I don't think you really had a choice. It's easy to assume that if you'd just done X and Y, everything there would have been fine.

As hard as it is, you have to leave that job in the past. However I absolutely get that it's so much easier said than done, especially as you haven't found a new job at this stage.

Are you having any counselling just now?

[Jupiter]

I wish I could wave a magic wand too, Lily. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. If not for you then for your family and Rosco.

What about contracting roles? I don't know what the job landscape is like in the UK at the moment but in Ireland there are a lot of contracting roles of various levels and something like that might get you out of this blip? It's much easier to find a new job when you have one and are not in panic mode.

[Lily]

Sorry for being so self-indulgent. I'm a bit all over the place. Haven't got any joie de vivre anymore. Not surprising I can't get a job when I covered my lunch in body lotion instead of mayonnaise; took me ages to work out why it tasted funny. :ella:

I've signed up for some temporary council work, and I have also been approached by an old colleague to do some virtual PA work for him so that is nice. A friend's friend is going to talk to me about an Executive Assistant role, but I've had my hopes raised and dashed so many times I don't think anything of it anymore.

I did look at John Lewis and M&S a while back but they didn't have anything. The good news is that it's busier at the theatre this month even though we're in dire financial straits so that helps.

I have 1 session of therapy left which I'm trying to "bank" as long as I can. On Saturday I had an interview-of-sorts for a company a few doors down from my old place (you're all right about that BTW, I know and I do remember that when I've calmed down) and that made me feel awful so it's just as well I couldn't afford it (3 days a week, v low money). So that's probably why I am wobbling a bit. I spoke to a lovely lady at the job centre; she said "Ooh it's lovely you sound so positive" and I snotted all over her.

How would i find contracting roles (stupid question) - are they advertised anywhere special? I am just using job sites.

The black despair is just a bit overwhelming sometimes. I am truly sorry and appreciate your patience with me.