Simon Baron-Cohen can stuff right off

[Jet]

So much of this is so relevant for me too...including dithering about how or whether to get myself a diagnosis. I haven't gone back and looked at what I last said here, but at this point I am certain I am actually autistic. I see so much of myself and myself growing up in L and lots of and lots (like endless amounts of things) make so much more sense now. But even just identifying and giving myself a break of some of my 'things' has done wonders to be honest.

I'd also been reading quite a bit about PDA because of L recently. Trying to avoid repeating battles we have about not wanting to do things including not wanting to do things he actually enjoys once he does them (as opposed to just things required of him in life). I myself don't deal well with him when he's in the depths of doom and it's something I have to try and sort out for both our sakes.

I work from lists all the time, even small things like “Empty dishwasher” or “Message Helen”.

I work from 100 lists that also contain things like this. I bought a new planner and I manage to put stuff in it about once a month so it really isn't useful. I also have post notes stuck around the kitchen for some daily fails including closing the circle on dishes, putting used teabags in the bin and remembering if there's laundry to be dealt with (out of sight out of mind is a common issue here).

I also recently discovered if I color code everything on my work calendar I feel so much less overwhelmed even though the things are not fewer, the work is not less...

One of the biggest things that's on my mind about if I was presented with the option of medications (aside from the bloody stupid shortage here right now) is that it will suppress my appetite I know that sounds silly because I could do with losing some weight, but a lot of my joy in life comes from cooking, food and eating and I really feel like I'd be leading sad life if I lose that It's one of my main sources of joy (which in itself may be a problem I guess but it's the process of cooking in part, I find it immensely therapeutic).

[Smunder Woman]

I will no doubt have a lot more to say here once I wake up properly later, but just wanted to say that anyone who wants to message me, feel free. It's my pet topic

[Bat Macdui]

I thought I had no empathy but I just can't identify my feelings. And also, I just think most people are weird.

Medication and techniques and strategies mean I am almost a functional grown up these days. It sucks and I miss dancing about on mountain ridges with 1,000 metre drops on either side, driving like Lewis Hamilton and making ridiculous impulse driven and expensive decisions. On the plus side, I am so much more capable I've doubled my salary, I've had one ticket in 5 years (26mph in what I thought was a 30 zone, FFS), I've packed in the fags, I've not had a drink, and I assiduously return every single internet purchase that I don't like when it arrives. Also, I am properly financially solvent. Swings and roundabouts.

The drugs suppress my appetite for the time they work, which for the slow release is is about 8am til 3pm, and if I have a day off I am ravenous all day. So I wouldn't let that be a major factor, Jet.

On the variables thing I step back and ask a couple of questions, like 'will this do?' (as opposed to 'is this perfect, will there be better, is this right, does this wholly reflect both my personality and societal norms I don't really understand?') then 'if I buy/choose this, will there be an insurmountable amount of trauma, cost and hassle if I change my mind later?' 90% of the time the answers are yes and no respectively and the decision is made, forgotten and involves less frustrated exhaustion.

[Bat Macdui]

Also, 2018 I started this thread! Fucking hell. My forties have been BATSHIT.

[Lily]

That is incredible to read, Bats. What a turnaround!

[Luce]

That does sound amazing, Bats. What a change! Most specifically, doing returns at shops, I could only dream of that!

I think there has also been an element of peri-menopause making all this more heightened for me. My hormones have been kicking my arse for about 2 years now and I get a lot worse at certain times of the month. I've given up on having expensive sunglasses at this point, only cheap ones now, for example. Losing things (and my huge over-reaction/distress at doing so) is one of the only things that makes me consider that medication could help but I've just got a big mental block with it at the moment because I can never tell if I'm lying to myself or no and therefore just making all this up. Fun!

Essentially, up until recently, I've had work-arounds and systems for everything I do/plan/think and for a reason that I can't work out, that has all fallen down in the last couple of years. Maybe a perfect storm of covid, hormones, my sister's/nephew's diagnosis. I felt like I used to have a tight grip on getting through life but it is slowly disappearing!

[Luce]

I will no doubt have a lot more to say here once I wake up properly later, but just wanted to say that anyone who wants to message me, feel free. It's my pet topic

I have many drafts that have all been deleted as I just can't bring myself to start I'll either talk about it ad nauseum or not be able to speak at all.

[Squirrel]

I just can't bring myself to start I'll either talk about it ad nauseum or not be able to speak at all.

[Smunder Woman]

I will no doubt have a lot more to say here once I wake up properly later, but just wanted to say that anyone who wants to message me, feel free. It's my pet topic

I have many drafts that have all been deleted as I just can't bring myself to start I'll either talk about it ad nauseum or not be able to speak at all.

This is very relatable

[Bat Macdui]

That does sound amazing, Bats. What a change! Most specifically, doing returns at shops, I could only dream of that!

This is the bit EVERYONE envies. "What, you mean you pack up the parcel, look up the returns instructions, then do whatever is required to send it back? REALLY??? That is so AMAZING."

[Cosmopolitan]

I thought I had no empathy but I just can't identify my feelings. And also, I just think most people are weird.

Medication and techniques and strategies mean I am almost a functional grown up these days. It sucks and I miss dancing about on mountain ridges with 1,000 metre drops on either side, driving like Lewis Hamilton and making ridiculous impulse driven and expensive decisions. On the plus side, I am so much more capable I've doubled my salary, I've had one ticket in 5 years (26mph in what I thought was a 30 zone, FFS), I've packed in the fags, I've not had a drink, and I assiduously return every single internet purchase that I don't like when it arrives. Also, I am properly financially solvent. Swings and roundabouts.

The drugs suppress my appetite for the time they work, which for the slow release is is about 8am til 3pm, and if I have a day off I am ravenous all day. So I wouldn't let that be a major factor, Jet.

On the variables thing I step back and ask a couple of questions, like 'will this do?' (as opposed to 'is this perfect, will there be better, is this right, does this wholly reflect both my personality and societal norms I don't really understand?') then 'if I buy/choose this, will there be an insurmountable amount of trauma, cost and hassle if I change my mind later?' 90% of the time the answers are yes and no respectively and the decision is made, forgotten and involves less frustrated exhaustion.

I have a feelings wheel open in a tab at all times because sames but this is all absolutely brilliant and I'm getting there too. Slowly slowly and carefully. And I still take pleasure in food Jet, but I don't need 7 snacks in a row because I'm lacking in dopamine and none of them have hit the spot. (I've not lost weight either)

[Little My]

R's normal would be to eat nothing all day and snack all night, if I did not try to intervene. B is starting to do this too, even though they are on different types of medication. I'm taking him (and perhaps her) off ADHD meds for the summer, so it will be interesting to see what happens with that.

[Jet]

We bow to you Bats I’ve been driving around with charity stuff filling my entire car for literal weeks. To be fair I tried to drop it off several times and they were always full but it has been beyond me to find another place to take it.

I often wonder how much of my food joy is dopamine related (although the process is therapeutic even without the eating part) but also note how disappointed I can be if something doesn’t turn out as hoped or isn’t perfect. I have made some really amazing salads recently and now all salads are unfairly compared to those so I keep being sad about salads

That’s good to know though, thanks both. I think I was put off specifically by one person who lost lots of weight on adderall and seems to primarily just drinks smoothies and that is not a life I want (losing weight is fine, existing on smoothies is not) and then also my kids, specifically L who often won’t eat at all during the day time. He hasn’t lost his joy about food but he does lose some of that joy (I told you he’s my mini me) when he has no appetite. It makes me a bit sad.

[Cosmopolitan]

I am really regimented about making sure that I eat regularly throughout the day so that I'm not starving in the evening. It makes my mood better during the day and prevents headaches.

[Smunder Woman]

Ok, so just to prove that meds do not fix it all, I agree with everything Cos and Bats have said, but had forgotten

I have to make sure I eat or I massively crash in the afternoon and get horrible headaches too. The first few weeks on methylphenidate were hard because I was genuinely repulsed by food, but now it's just not needing a billion snacks for dopamine (as Cos said). I think I appreciate food more because I'm not just cramming it in for a hit anymore!

[Jet]

I also totally meant to say to ruby about the $ - we forked out $3k on L’s diagnosis as we just weren’t able to wait for the place S went that had insane wait times post 2020 (it’s a charitable hospital dyslexia Center that we’re happy to fully diagnose S - although we only went there specifically about the dyslexia).

[Bat Macdui]

I mean, before you all think I'm like superwoman, last night I popped out for my prescription and reversed into the wheelie bins R had left behind the car, moved them, tried again, and knocked the wing mirror casing off on the gatepost.

And on a bit of a bum note, it is work. I get a bit pissed off sometimes when everyone (Mum, R, my sister) just assumes like 'oh she's like normal and fine now, let's keep chucking STUFF at her' when if there is stuff to deal with and I am dealing with it, that also means I am working really fucking hard at keeping a reasonable mental equilibrium at the same time. Thank fuck for yoga, really. And I absolutely insisted the first room we did in the house was my office, because the rule is that if I am in here, with the door shut, I am NOT to be disturbed. On pain of like, actual death.

[Smunder Woman]

Our non-negotiable criterion when we were looking for a place to live was a room with a closing door where one of us could retreat if we need to

[Luce]

I also have an office that is another room inside my bedroom and it has a lock on it. Obviously super useful for when I was working from home and on calls etc but it is now just used as my sanctuary. And I'm fully in control of how ordered or chaotic it is in there, depending on my mood that day. The boys were allowed in to see it once, now they know it is Out Of Bounds. I love it in there.

Oh Bats, I was hoping you'd say that you get to a point where it is no longer work; I'm so tired of constantly trying

[Kenickie]

Lots of this really resonates with me. I feel a bit bandwagony saying so and realistically will never organise myself to see if I actually am with a proper diagnosis, but I am definitely here for the tips. I am going to copy Bats on the buying stuff as I literally have a million tabs open which is research that I started on tens of different things I need to get but I never get out of the research stage of looking at options, trying to work out which is the best, before I move onto the next.

Any suggestions on stopping the whirly brain thing at night if anyone else gets that? When you can't sleep because all of the millions of things you need to do keep going through your head?

I definitely need some strategies before I go back to work, as my newish job is much worse as I'm doing loads of disparate things/projects and it's so hard not to just jump around from thing to thing and achieve nothing but just feel stressed all the time.