Dementia again

[Texaco Shirley]

I think we’re very close to needing residential care. There have been a couple of incidents since my last post then on Tuesday I had to call the police to find her after she wasn’t home for the evening care visit. I was on the phone when they got to her and she sounded very shaky. This evening the care manager phoned at around 6pm (so not an unreasonable time for her to ge out) as they thought she’d gone out without a coat or shoes. Initially the gps suggested she was on a bus home so a carer was sent to meet her at the bus stop and make sure she got off. Then she stopped moving (Earls Court, could easily have been traffic) and shortly after I got a call from a paramedic saying someone had seen her wandering without shoes and called an ambulance. They took her to A&E who weren’t happy to discharge her (the carer had gone to collect her by taxi) so she’s in overnight.

This is just a splurge, I’m not expecting anyone to be able to make it better. She’s not safe but the next step is residential care and she’ll hate it and probably blame me.

[Marth]

Sorry to hear that, Tex. I know I will have the same to navigate at some point.

I remember my mum tried to keep my grandma at home for as long as possible, but it was actually so stressful for everyone. I remember asking wasn't it time now? , And it was. It's so hard though. Xxx

[Lola]

I’m sorry, Tex. This is a horrible decision to have to make. She probably won’t like it at first but she will settle in and she will have people around to talk to and activities to do to keep her occupied. My Nan used to ask when she was going home at first but she was very happy there after a while.

[Lily]

I'm sorry, Tex. It is a horrid decision to have to make but I agree with Lola that she will settle in sooner than she or anyone will expect, and it will keep her safe, which will be a great relief for you all, her included.

[Derek Nimmo]

My Dad promised my Grandma that he would never put her in a home, and kept to it, but frankly if she hadn't died from a stroke he would have had to go against her wishes. She was at the point of being a danger to herself and others (even though she had carers with her full time at the end, they had to sleep, and when they did she was up and doing things like putting an electric kettle on the hob).

She may rail against it, but for safety's sake I don't think you have another choice painful as it is. I'm so sorry this all falls on your shoulders.

[Cerise]

It does seem like the safest route now. Will you move her closer to you? I’m sorry it’s so hard.

[Mountain Goat]

I'm really sorry Tex, and I remember feeling the same way, and leaving her there the first time is etched in my head forever. But she settled, like most people do, and decided it was a hotel and that they needed quite a lot of help to run it properly so thank goodness she was there to step in, and was ok. It was horrible in the short term and I really feel for you having to make that decision, but much better in the the long term.

[Jupiter]

I'm sorry you have to make this decision but it does sound like it's for the best in the long run. My Dad tried to keep my Mam home for as long as possible but it became unmanageable and she was a danger to herself and others. It was horrible at first and one of the rare occasions I saw my Dad cry She did settle after a while and it really was the best place for her.

[Texaco Shirley]

It does seem like the safest route now. Will you move her closer to you? I’m sorry it’s so hard.

Yes, if she moves at all there’s no point her still being miles away.

[kiwi]

M's mum was unsettled at first but soon became used to her new 'flat' and very much enjoyed having people on tap to do her bidding. Also the immense sense of relief of knowing that she was safe and being looked after. I know it doesn't make it any easier for you to hear all this at the moment though.

[Texaco Shirley]

Another evening, another call to emergency services *sigh*

[Lily]

Tex It's shit.

[Squirrel]

Tex I’m so sorry, it’s awful. Do you know if she’s safe?

[Texaco Shirley]

Yes, she’s home safe thanks.

[Squirrel]

That’s good.

Have you looked into the residential options? It’s such a fraught situation.

My mum’s circumstances were different but we were fortunate that she suddenly decided it had been her idea all along to go, when it became completely unmanageable at home. The bit before that was pretty hellish.

[Texaco Shirley]

There are a couple of options in Frome, I haven’t actually spoken to them yet. I’m going to talk to the care agency first. I’d like their opinion on the situation and once we are at the point of moving her I will need them to talk to her about it so it’s not a complete shock.

[Squirrel]

Good plan. I hope you find a way forward that she’s okay with when the time comes.

[speedy gonzalez]

Might be worth having an informal chat with the care homes just so you get a feel for them. We had just started to look at them and then a few weeks later we had to rush Mr Speedy's aunt into one.
The council run one was very good - plenty of activities and the residents would chat to us as we were going round. Unfortunately we could get her in to that one as she was self funding. One of the others was so depressing. They were also sat in the lounge either in silence or asleep. The activities photos on the noticeboard were at least a year old. We were told they were always like that after lunch but it just didn't have a good feel. The third one was lovely. Plenty of activities but if they just wanted to keep out of it that was fine. Three separate lounges so they didn't have to sit with someone they didn't get on with. Home cooked food in a good way and a choice of meals. Again like the council one the residents would chat to us.
The day she was meant to go in she refused to go out of the house. We managed it the next day but for the next few weeks when we went to visit she hated us. The staff at the care home were excellent at looking after us as well as her during this time. After that though she loved it and thought of it as a really nice hotel that she didn't want to leave. We used to visit weekend and she always said "I don't have to leave yet do I?".
It always felt like a family home when we visited.

[Texaco Shirley]

Thank you, that’s very helpful. I’ve looked and there are 6 options in Frome although only one is showing space available. I’m on some sort of care comparison site though so that may not be accurate. It reminds me of looking at schools. The one which I’ve seen rave reviews of on FB has by far the worst CQC grading. I need to go and have a look.

[Marth]

Thank you, that’s very helpful. I’ve looked and there are 6 options in Frome although only one is showing space available. I’m on some sort of care comparison site though so that may not be accurate. It reminds me of looking at schools. The one which I’ve seen rave reviews of on FB has by far the worst CQC grading. I need to go and have a look.

Spaces will come and go to as many homes are used for respite care, so people move on and out quite regularly for short periods of time.