Couples paying less than singles

[Korill]

That is silly, if the couple wants in then they should pay two shares.

Or, next time you couple up with the friend and pay as as a couple.

[Cerise]

It definitely entirely depends on who the present is for.

[Loralei]

I do think it's worth noticing this stuff and reckon single people can get a bit shafted. I notice it most at christmas. My best friend, for example, is single and doesn't have children, yet buys presents for all 5 of us (her choice, admittedly). I haven't yet found a more elegant solution than spending more money on her than she does on me (and buying a gift for her mum, whom I'm fond of) but I hope it sends 'not taking the piss' signals.

[Elya]

Jet is right - it depends who the present is for.

Lora, I feel bad simply because my SIL buys for my three children and I only have to buy for my niece at Christmas - it's made worse by the fact that all my children have birthdays in December and January.

[cluefree]

I think it depends on everyone. At the moment, A and I only have one wage coming in, so I would be loath to pay two shares. But if I was earning too, I would obvs expect to pay for two.

Money is such an awkward subject.

[Pippedydeadeye]

If it's siblings buying for a parent, I'd expect in my family it'd be £30 per sibling regardless of whether or not there's a partner. But I can see why some wouldn't go for that as a fair option.

[Loralei]

It is Cluef. And over-thinking it either way makes it a bit transactional.

[Livilla]

I have a friend who gets shafted by this by her family - she buys birthday and Christmas presents for her many nieces and nephews (sha has 3 siblings, each of which has 2 or more kids) but a while ago the siblings decided they wouldn't bother to buy presents for each other any more. Forgetting entirely (or not bothered :grump: ) about the fact that they had one sister who is single and has no children. Their parents are both dead too. So she forks out huge amounts and gets absolutely zilch in return. I think that is crap. We, her friends buy her Christmas and Birthday presents instead.

I don't think the scenario here is rubbish, though, as I honestly can't think of an example where both Mr L and I would be close enough to the donee to be both separately be contributing to a joint present. Joint presents to my mother are split 50:50 with my sister, and not 33:66 with Mr L and I, as others have also said. Presents for friends etc - well they are always one of our individual friends, not someone where we are both equally a close part of their friendship circle. So I can't envisage a situation personally where it would be unfair. But everyone's family and friends are different, obviously.

[Julz]

Yes, I buy for my family and my partner buys for his. We often volunteer to contribute to the cost of each other’s gifts, though don’t usually take it up. I think if I was specifically asked to contribute to a special present, I’d cough up rather than have half the family think I was a massive tightwad .

Do the couple tend to receive gifts as a couple (ie. one present for the both of them at Christmas)? Could that be why they perceive this as unfair? Though I agree with everyone else, it’s not really in the spirit of giving.

[Rebel Pebble]

As well as it being about family versus friends, surely the other key question here is how the couple is treated when they each have signficant birthdays which qualify for a group gift?

The shared "big gift" thing has become a tradition between my Uni friends and I for milestone birthdays. But Mr R has been around for almost as long as they have so he's a part of the group as an individual now rather than just my husband (e.g. if I was unwell or unavailable for a night out, he'd go alone), and on his 40th everyone clubbed together to get him a Silverstone driving thing. Something similar might well happen this year. So I would always expect us to contribute as individuals when it's vice versa.

If, however, that doesn't happen for the couple in question here and only one partner gets the group gifts, or if the tradition is for people to buy them a single gift as a couple at Christmas, for example, then there's no reason they should cough up double.

[Livilla]

if I was unwell or unavailable for a night out, he'd go alone

I think this is a very good litmus test! Aside from our NCT group of friends, who really are mutual friends who we both met at the same time, then there is no chance that Mr L would go out alone with any of my friends if I were unwell, or vice versa.

[Pippedydeadeye]

We do the only buying for kids anmt Christmas now with our families, but my brother and his wife still get a gift from us. And I also make sure to get them decent birthday presents.

[Noooon]

I agree that family is different but for friends it should be split equally.

My Aunt drives me insane with present buying. They are not short of money and they spend hundreds on each other and the kids (the kids are spoilt rotten and even the 6 year old got his own ipad as a gift for no reason). But she is so incredibly tight buying presents for outside her immediate family. I have received gift set smellies for my birthday in July with the Xmas sticker still on it. She clearly regifts random crap to me too all the time. Yet at Xmas I have to get separate presents for all of her family or I get constant digs. For Christmas this year (just after I had spent about £200 visiting them in France and taking over loads of chocolate etc that they can't get over there) she bought me a nice passive aggressive bowl of fruit to help with my diet which cost about the same as the postage and packaging did for their presents which I couldn't take with me as my case was so full of stuff for them.

Don't get me started on the Spa day I bought for her after she complained of being so stressed that she never used or the mug she got me with pics of her kids on :bitter:

[smalex]

What Rebs said was what I was thinking. I do think a lot of it is relevant to the specific situation. I also think people should pay what they can afford, so was the budget set knowing the couple were only prepared to pay one third, or not?

But I also agree thinking about it too much makes it transactional and generally a bit bleugh.

All in all, don't buy joint presents is the conclusion I'm coming to :spiritofgiving:

[Zoomer]

We get over this hurdle by buying no presents at all!

Ok, some. But joint family presents are always split between siblings regardless of partner or not. MrZ buys for his own family. I don't tend to buy joint presents for friends, as any presents I buy tend to be of the token gift type. Or alcohol.

[Lovely Me]

Joint family presents are split regardless of partner here too. LB and I always ask as we each have a younger, penniless single brother but they're always fine with sharing with siblings only.
Nooooon, that would piss me off immensely. The entitlement! The snideness!

[Shoe]

Family I think it's fair enough to do it as a couple, joint friends not so much so, so basically what everyone else has said.

I buy for a couple of people with kids, including my brother, but I only buy for the kids (not the parents), I'm pretty lucky in that generally 'the kids' buy me something back so I do get gifts in return although I don't expect them, well, maybe off my brother I do.

I have other (not very close) friends who I think expect me to buy for their kids but would never return the favour so I just don't bother with them. I know that probably sounds stingy and grasping maybe it is but if I bought presents for everyone who I knows children I wouldn't be able to afford to eat. Basically I play favourites, if you are a good friend and I like your kids then expect gifts, if you are just someone in my social circle then don't expect twice yearly prizes for managing to fire out a baby or two.

[Livilla]

if you are just someone in my social circle then don't expect twice yearly prizes for managing to fire out a baby or two.

I'm not sure many parents regard yet more garish plastic and/or noisy tat as prizes for having children, to be honest.

[Shoe]

I know for a fact there are a couple of people in our wider social circle who definitely expect gifts and see it as a failing that we don't give them, this is why they are in the wider circle rather than friends obviously.

[smalex]

Yes, I don't expect kids toys as a reward for childbearing. Cash or (decent) wine is preferable.