The Mock Turtle

The Oxfam goat made me laugh.

I never really think about it til we do one of these threads, but I suppose things are fairly unequal in our family - I have three nieces, three step nieces, three nephews and two great nephews to buy for these days! My sisters are also both very accepting of the bank of M&D and still get presents, holidays paid for etc whereas I decided long ago that I was big and ugly not to need that. I wouldn't feel comfortable in their shoes, but that's my lookout.

I know that the parents have been scrupulously fair in dividing up their estate equally amongst us though, because my Dad has made me type out their wills a few times All my worldly goods will end up with the nieces/nephews anyway eventually anyway I suppose, unless the local donkey sanctuary makes a bid for my affections

My sister and I made an agreement to only buy for the children but when Mum died we realised we missed having an adult female with similar tastes to exchange gifts with, so reinstated it. The only problem was that she thought it was a one-off and I thought it was permanent, so last christmas I gave her a TWC cashmere jumper and she didn't get me anything. The poor bugger was mortified. She is taking me out for dinner next week instead of a gift, although I really didn't care as I could see how it happened.

I would like to stop buying my nephews presents, actually, as they are entitled little toads. I asked Big Neph what he wanted for his upcoming birthday and he said he'd like cash as he's saving up for something. I asked what and he said he hasn't decided. I won't get a thank you (call/text/note) either.

Loralei wrote:

I would like to stop buying my nephews presents, actually, as they are entitled little toads. I asked Big Neph what he wanted for his upcoming birthday and he said he'd like cash as he's saving up for something. I asked what and he said he hasn't decided. I won't get a thank you (call/text/note) either.

My nephews wanted money too from a young age - about 7, I think. I always thought this was really sad. I didn't get a thank you, either.

I feel really guilty because whilst I buy for my nephews/brother/SIL they usually still spend twice as much for things for me.

Then I presume they can afford it and think you're worth it, Skips. Think of it as balancing out the universe a bit.

My nephews (3 and 5) very earnestly and politely thanking me (in person) is one of the most delightful things about giving them presents.

Yes, accept it for the rest of us Skips

It's probably (definitely) unequal here but I can't say I've thought much on it. I might well think about it if I had a massive (or ungrateful) family, but as it is, I'm just buying nice things for people I love.

Skips wrote:I feel really guilty because whilst I buy for my nephews/brother/SIL they usually still spend twice as much for things for me.

Yes, mine spend more than I can afford. This year they gave me a £200 travel voucher and made a six-hour round trip to take me and a friend out to lunch. I just can't afford to reciprocate, though I think they are fine with that.

Mountain Goat wrote:It's probably (definitely) unequal here but I can't say I've thought much on it. I might well think about it if I had a massive (or ungrateful) family, but as it is, I'm just buying nice things for people I love.

This. I can afford what I buy and adore my nephews. I still get the best hugs from them - all 6 foot+ and 17/20 yr old that they are. I might stop buying them presents one day I suppose; can't imagine when though.

I could happily cut out B1 but that would upset Dad, and that would be unbearable. Don't have to speak to the twat though so I balance my blessings that way .

It's not about cost-for-cost. They are giving you what they want to give you.

Betty Bee wrote:

Montana wrote:Sarlat has just raised the point that I was going to - if you have bought for kids all their lives, at what age is it acceptable to stop? I had originally thought at 18 but with one friend's daughter who is at university and will be 21 in March, when I tentatively tested the water on this, I got the sense that it is still expected (more by the mother than the child).

Mr B's nephews are 19, 17 and 17 (twins). We decided that substantial gifts stop at 18, but he did get the eldest a box of beer as a token gift this year. The twins got a gift as usual. I suppose it might depend on the circumstances though, the eldest and one twin both work full time and the other twin has decided to quit college and work too. They all live at home. If they were all in full time education maybe the gifts would go on a bit longer.

Yes, I think you're right - education/earnings is probably the measure rather than age. I'm just a bit wary of being the weird random auntie-type-person who still sends cash in cards when they're 35 with kids of their own...

My husband still gets cash in a card from his auntie. He'll be 41 next birthday...

My grandmother still does cash in a card for me and I'm nearly 40.

My sister is single and buys very generously for the boys so I always go OTT with her gift. I did have to very gently point out to her several times that she is one person buying for 4 of us so to just gracefully accept what she's given as it's our way of saying thanks for being hands on and brilliant with her nephews.

I'd be mortified if they were asking for cash from 7 though. I can understand wanting cash towards things from their teens or preferring cash when they are at uni (I know I did).

sally maclennane wrote:

Zoomer wrote:Oxfam goats is such a passive-aggressive shite present.

I can imagine the reaction if I'd bought them for her teenagers!

Only 1 way to find out...

Alas, I have now stopped buying for them

If the gift buying group all wish to have their contribution to the jointly bought gift acknowledged, ie Love from Bryan, Barold, Marcia and Ethel, then surely they all pay an equal share. How on earth can the couple think that they are half a person for paying but a full person for acknowledgement rights?

I bet they only have one email address and FB page as well.

As has been said it might be different if it were a gift from two siblings, and one was single and the other was not but it was then from Sibling A and Sibling B only.

You shouldn't have to suck that up because it should be all about the giving. The couple need to just do the right thing and not expect the others in the group to subsidise their part of the gift.