Consultancy/freelance work

[Red]

I'm so sorry you went through that too. Are you able to ask for feedback from any of these companies?

My friend has just got a £20k pay rise by moving jobs, I can't compute that amount of money. I fear I'll be skint and crap forever.

It feels endless. I thought some places might be a bit more desperate and take me! I'm just recovering from norovirus on top of everything else, was able to go to the theatre work today and got a parking ticket for 7 minutes the bastards and I just sat and cried. I feel like a massive failure, I know I'm not in the grand scheme of things but I'm so over this now. I want to be back in my manic phase when I couldn't stop Doing things... I've just run out of energy and mmph. My friend's day I need some rest but I've been resting for about 9 months now. I miss my colleagues and friends, the world I've built up for nearly 20 years.

Last night I dreamt I was talking to my grandparents' ghosts which probably didn't help.

On the plus side Rosco clearly sussed I needed to properly relax, and after 3 years deigned to sit on the sofa next to me again. I dozed curled up next to him and he didn't pull away in horror. Every cloud!

If my LinkedIn is anything to go by, its a very challenging, employer-led market.
I got bits of feedback, for most of what I applied for I didn't hear a single thing! I'm very hardened to it now, but when you simply want to be in secure, full-time employment its stressful and difficult.

You've ran out of energy and your body (and Roscoe) is telling you to relax and take it easy. You can't fill up the cup of a company you work for if your own cup is empty. You know what I mean. It might feel productive but manic doesn't sound good or healthy.

[Lily]

I do. We're going to stay with my parents tomorrow for a few days of R and R, which I'm sure will do me the world of good as I just don't have energy for anything at the moment.

I really hope things improve for you soon! If we're not connected,add me and I'll see if I can help with anything? When I've come back from my parents' :))

[Lily]

They aren't even going to interview me for the role.
Other people coming through have more experience apparently. If I can't even get an interview for a place I've been working for 20 years what does that say about me?!?!

I'm going to have to take a step back from this place as well, unless I getting paid for it. Came in today to cover sickness at short notice. Just want to go home

[Lola]

Oh no, I’m sorry Lily. I think it says more about them tbh, they are idiots! You’d be perfect for it. Definitely don’t do any more work for free for them.

[Morganna]

That's rubbish, Lily. I'm so sorry.

[Lily]

It's a bit mealy mouthed of me not to continue to be helpful just because they didn't give me the job I guess. They want the right person and that's not me.

I do think I would have had to have changed myself a bit for the job and it might not have been so fun.

It's just hard because I've been imagining how it might be, taking R in with me, he came in today... He's such a big part of whatever path I go down next and that's a worry as well. I was preparing to enter a new world altogether, and now I'm not. I had so many ideas though.

I would not have applied for the role had I still been at my last place, which I think says a lot. It's the right thing, but it's still hard to take.

[Red]

It's a bit mealy mouthed of me not to continue to be helpful just because they didn't give me the job I guess. They want the right person and that's not me.

I do think I would have had to have changed myself a bit for the job and it might not have been so fun.

Gah, I'm sorry this didn't progress any further for you. Its very easy to be glib and say 'rejection is re-direction' but changing yourself to squeeze into a role isn't easy or fun or fulfilling.

[FiveO'Clock]

It's a bit mealy mouthed of me not to continue to be helpful just because they didn't give me the job I guess. They want the right person and that's not me.

No, I think it would be considered self care. I'm sorry this didn't work out

[Lily]

I think I would have had to have been a bit more staid.

They want to talk to me on Thursday about doing extra admin FOC which I offered, but I think a polite email saying I'm no longer available for this would sound ok? I feel like I'm punishing the theatre though.

I could handle not getting the job. Not being interviewed is a bit much though.

[FiveO'Clock]

Do you get paid for the admin?

[baargain]

That is more than OK. You're not punishing anyone.

[Lily]

Do you get paid for the admin?

No. I offered to do it FOC. I also cleaned the carpets for free. Because I love the place and we can't afford a cleaner.

The theatre loses out really; there is a lot of work for the trustees to do and they do this voluntarily. They all have jobs. We're all pulling together to try and get our beloved theatre out of this hole and I know we can get there, but this has made me feel disconnected from it. Which I'm not. I love it and will do what I can to support it, but if they don't think I'm worth even an interview there's limited stuff I can offer and a lot of it would be stuff decided by a manager anyway so perhaps any help I could give would be limited.

Not having a lot of help for free might make them speed up and get a new manager in. The woman who said no said that I would be really helpful to the new manager because of all my good ideas and stuff. I'll be helpful obviously but I'm going to be doing my job and that's it. I've thrown myself into the place to no avail so I need to extricate myself a bit.

[sally maclennane]

Honestly Lily, you've done plenty for them, don't do any more. Remember that saying "don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm".

And they can fuck off with the idea that you can help the incoming manager!

[FiveO'Clock]

Can you step back from the theatre altogether just for a little bit? You don't have to burn bridges but just let them know you're busy looking for a job and need to concentrate on that for the next few months.

You can go back to volunteering after you're settled in what you'll do next and after the new manager has too. But I think you might consider that you need to be spending your valuable time on you right now.

[Lily]

It helped me to think I was doing something productive. But yes I'll keep up the paid work, and tell them unfortunately I don't have time to do anything unpaid. I hate the fact I sound like I was only doing that stuff to help me get the job, it really wasn't, I have spare time and wanted to put it to good use before I go insane. But I do think keeping away from it unless I'm working there will be very healthy!

[FiveO'Clock]

You don't sound like you were only doing it for the job, you've been helping there for ages. And you may want to do it again, but it might not be best for you right now. You do a lot, you look after Roscoe, you have a home to keep up, you have family, friends (and a neighbor you helped with insurance) and you're looking for your next job - that's a lot!

And everything Sal said, especially the fuck off part.

[Lily]

Thank you x

[Lily]

I've lost so much. No job. No income. I'm going to have to rent out my house. I can't even go to choir anymore. I've cancelled all plans with friends. I want to go away and not wake up. My dog would be fine without me, he loves his grandparents, they're getting rid of NHS England which will mean even more people going for jobs and it's been a year and I've had no joy. I have lost so many friends, half my social life, my hopes for the future, people I thought I could trust. My granny didn't even leave us anything in her will, she left it to her nephews and nieces, 2 out of 3 she never heard from and didn't even bother coming to her funeral, she left my parents nothing, they were her constant support for 18 years and nothing, she knew how tight money is for us all, I thought she loved us or did she not think we really loved her? Whatever way I go I'm fucked. This isn't a goodbye note, I'm not doing anything, don't worry, but I cannot do anything any more. I have lost my faith in God. I've lost all hope.

[sally maclennane]

I'm so sorry Lily, it's really unfair.

The one thing I'll challenge is what you've said about your dog. Much as he may love your parents, you're his person, and you are the most important thing for him x

[Zoomer]

Yes, you can't leave lovely Roscoe, so that's that settled.

Could moving back in with your parents for a while be an option, Lils?